When

When do you say, 'okay, no more pain.' Or, 'I'm not going to cry any more.' Stop letting myself hurt. Or, I guess I should say, make myself stop feeling so much pain. When is letting go not forgetting, and when is keeping going not moving on? And on top of all of that, how do you not feel guilty for all of the above?
Because really, to do all of these things, this means (to me) denying Korbin his due respect. I wish we lived back in the day when one wore all black or a black arm band for a set mourning period. It would let me have my bad days without worrying what others must think (isn't she over that yet?) while also making the bold statement that I am not okay yet.
I say I'm okay every day, but really I am trying to not let my heavy heart overwhelm the rest of me. I am devastated still. And lately Korbin's absence is hitting me anew. Completely fresh, a deep wound ripped open again.
I want to be strong, I really do. But there is still so much guilt in trying to push the pain out. I know I can never forget Korbin, or what we had with him. But not feeling the pain is like saying he didn't exist, he didn't happen. And I don't want that. It's not true and it's not my truth.
I can't ignore the pain or sadness, it's still too strong. So maybe I'm just not ready to be the strong okay person yet. I still need to cry and grieve heavily. And through the many tears I still have for Korbin, I know I still got a lotta love to give.