Upon a coworker's return to work from maternity leave, I felt so suddenly jealous. It's really not a good feeling, especially since she has done nothing wrong towards me. Maybe it's more uber envious, as I don't wish any ill upon her. I just wish I were in her shoes too, with Korbin and Ryan.
Her first day back I couldn't even look at her, or even respond when I think she said hello to me. So not me!! But honestly, I was so afraid of showing even an ounce of pain from my broken heart to everyone in the room.
It just hurts so much knowing she's happy with her beautiful little family, and all I'm doing is missing Korbin and having trouble keeping going with life. I don't get to know the amazing joy of motherhood that she gets to know now.
Today she gave me a card. At first I felt awful thinking that I'd offended her with how I'm acting due to my pain and she was trying to smooth it over. Before opening it I was told she had thought long and hard about giving it to me, and had decided to go ahead with it. It ended up being a thank you card from her baby shower for the gifts I had given her (before we lost Korbin). And tucked inside was a picture of her baby girl. I really was touched, and so grateful that she gave me the option of opening it or whatever else. So many people around me make that decision for me. Not telling me baby stuff, or inviting me to things involving babies. They decide they are protecting me. But it hurts just as much to be left out. (That whole can't win for losing bit again....)
I still had my moment of grief from this card and picture. I tried to cover it up, to walk away from it, but as I was walking back to the lab I just about broke down and could feel how red my face was from almost crying. I wish I could be giving out thank you cards and adorable baby pictures too.
I wish, I wish, I wish. I guess I haven't let go yet. And I'm not sure when I'll be able to.
Because I got a lotta love to give.
When I delivered the card to you I didn't realize there was a baby pic inside. I held my breath while you looked at it, not sure what your reaction would be. Now I know how you where feeling in that moment, that you were barely holding it together. But I thought you handled it with such grace. I admire you for continually pushing yourself, a little at a time, to confront situations you would naturally rather shut yourself off from.
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