Baby showers

Yesterday I was an emotional wreck. I didn't really get what was so big about Sunday, until I double checked some work emails and was reminded of a coworker's baby shower scheduled for today. It was such a huge reminder of what I've missed out on. And of course the coworker is having a boy, and most likely without any issues.
Ya, I'm super jealous. Angry even that the shower was planned for today instead of Friday when I'm not there. That no one asked me if I'd be okay with it. But really, how freaking selfish is that? Why should it matter how I feel? Despite the anger and jealousy, I am glad that she did get her shower. She should, there's absolutely no reason her baby shouldn't be celebrated. I just wish Korbin had been celebrated.
Because now I can't even muster up the courage or the energy to go into Babies R Us to print out the registry we finished setting up for him the day before. I avoid the baby section in other stores like it's going to bite me. The thought that I may never see his registry again cuts me to the core, though. I find myself clinging to the littlest things to remind me of what little we had with Korbin.
So, today, I didn't even try to go or get a gift or anything. I actually was borderline having a panic attack all morning until I knew the shower must be over. I learned my lesson when I went to my friend's blessingway. I thought, 'it's not a traditional shower so I can do this.' Boy was I wrong. But today I actually felt bad as I don't think many people went to the shower. I don't think this coworker really got a celebration like she should have. Before losing Korbin, baby showers were planned and talked about at least a month in advance. I really hope the oversight in her case was not because of me. I don't need that too, more guilt on top of the anger and jealousy and bitterness that already consumes me.
Hopefully this feeling bad is a sign that my current stage of coping with Korbin's death is coming to a close sooner than later. I used to love celebrating babies, holding and playing with them. I hope I can feel that way again, because I got a lotta love to give.