Monday, May 2, 2016

Another Trigger

This one caught me off guard today. Getting ready to do a procedure, room full if coworkers and the patient on the table. Then the nurse anesthetist squeezes the syringe.
The syringe with the drug that puts you to sleep in the blink of an eye. The same, or similar to at least, as the one given to me before Korbin was cut from me. My second major surgery in life. The only one I remember being put under for.
It was all I could do to stop the tears. I had to mentally check out, and then focus and just start counting.
Something about the soothing way the nurse anesthetist  told the patient to relax and go to sleep. It brought me back to the anesthesiologist for my c-section with Korbin. So calm, trusting. Everything would be okay. Except as quickly as I went under, I came back to chaos, joy, and then complete sorrow.
Now something subconsciously must keep that feeling of total loss deeply connected to the thought of being put to sleep for surgery. I reacted similarly to the thought of Little Bear being put under for dental work. I panicked and immediately started crying.
Usually I'm not in the room when the patient is going under. I enter just after that. But today the schedule was funky and I caught it all, only to find that it's too much and I need to do my best to avoid it from now on.
As we come up on Korbin's fourth birthday, I need to protect my heart as best as I can. For myself, for Ryan. And for Parker.
Because I got a lotta love to give.