To-Do List

I am a list-maker. I have lists on notepads, my phone, in my head. Everything I do each day revolves around my lists of things that 'need' to get done.

From laundry to weeding to dusting, there are always chores to add to my lists. But I realized earlier this week that one of the most important things in my life was never on my to-do lists: time with Parker. In my mind, it was technically time with him as he was there, either walking next to me or strapped to my back. At times I'd get frustrated as he would 'help' fold clothes, water or weed the garden. What joy is he getting out of that?

P has not been on my to-do list, and it's time to change that. Before now, there's been no park time, no drawing, no cars or walks. Just chores and maybe a few minutes of free time depending on how much of my to-do list was crossed off.

Thinking about how I need to put fun play time on my list, I kind of saw Ps life flashing by before my eyes. It's going by so quickly, and I NEED to make our time together more meaningful than just scratching things off of a to-do list.

My first test came when I was outside with P trying to get some weeding done and the neighbor kids asked if he could play in the park with them. My initial reaction was no, I can't get my weeding done then. But I stopped that, put the gloves down, and went to the park and sat on the bench and watched him play for close to an hour. The kids' mom came out and we chatted for a while. It was so nice. And so needed!

Here's to making more meaningful time for P (and Ryan!).

Because I got a lotta love to give.

Another Trigger

This one caught me off guard today. Getting ready to do a procedure, room full if coworkers and the patient on the table. Then the nurse anesthetist squeezes the syringe.

The syringe with the drug that puts you to sleep in the blink of an eye. The same, or similar to at least, as the one given to me before Korbin was cut from me. My second major surgery in life. The only one I remember being put under for.

It was all I could do to stop the tears. I had to mentally check out, and then focus and just start counting.

Something about the soothing way the nurse anesthetist  told the patient to relax and go to sleep. It brought me back to the anesthesiologist for my c-section with Korbin. So calm, trusting. Everything would be okay. Except as quickly as I went under, I came back to chaos, joy, and then complete sorrow.

Now something subconsciously must keep that feeling of total loss deeply connected to the thought of being put to sleep for surgery. I reacted similarly to the thought of Little Bear being put under for dental work. I panicked and immediately started crying.

Usually I'm not in the room when the patient is going under. I enter just after that. But today the schedule was funky and I caught it all, only to find that it's too much and I need to do my best to avoid it from now on.

As we come up on Korbin's fourth birthday, I need to protect my heart as best as I can. For myself, for Ryan. And for Parker.

Because I got a lotta love to give.