Peace

Since participating in the #captureyourgrief project in October, I have been reflecting, reflecting, reflecting. I started the project to figure out where I am in my grief journey. Am I okay? Am I struggling? Slipping or climbing?

Sifting through my emotions for the first part of October seemed like such a therapeutic thing to do. At first. As I posted each day, the project turned from therapeutic and freeing to leading me down a path of total despair once again, leaving my heart ripped open anew. I even started having terrifying dreams, heart and gut wrenching nightmares. The project brought me back to day zero.

Some may think that to go back to those precious short moments with Korbin is good to remember. But the pain from those bittersweet memories settled in and gripped tightest around my heart again. A fellow support group member posted about going through something similar with the project, so I replied with my sympathies and that I was struggling as well. Then I said that maybe it's okay to let things be at peace instead of trudging through it all again.

Though it was meant in support to another, I know deep down I needed to admit it to myself. Remind myself, really. Because the pain of Korbin's physical absence will never go away, will never lessen or be easier. It's how I handle the pain. Whether I let it take me down a horrible spiral into nothingness, or let it be and find some inner strength to be happy, at peace. There are people here in life to be happy for; Ryan, Parker. Family and friends. Is it hard? It's been the hardest thing to just keep going since June 1, 2012. But I have to.

Because I got a lotta love to give.

Day 19: Music

Day 19: Music. Songs of lost love are really what get to me. Loving a child is probably the deepest love one can know. I could only liken the heartache to a moment when I thought I'd lost Ryan forever. Indescribable. 'Wide Awake' by Katy Perry really captured my feelings, especially the lyrics above. Life was so perfect and beautiful, like a dream. And I was ripped into reality, literally crashing down from how high on life I was.

But I still got a lotta love to give.

Day 18: Seasons

Day 18: Seasons. Spring is new life after the harsh darkness of the winter. And yet I have the hardest time with Spring now, and it's transition into summer. I remember so looking forward to my growing belly, to Korbin getting big and plump and ready for the outside world. It's crazy how quickly life changes, and what an imprint it leaves on your heart.

But I still got a lotta love to give.

Day 5: Empathy

I so cherish the moments when others say Korbin's name. It's comforting to know Ryan and I aren't the only ones thinking of him. I have a friend who often calls Parker Korbin when asking about P. And though I think she feels bad for thr slip up, I love it. It always makes me smile. Others may think to not mention Korbin to protect our hearts, but talking about him can only help us heal.

Because we got a lotta love to give.

Day 4: Light and Dark

I had to capture this quote because it represents my daily struggle. That life is bittersweet. Even the happiest of moments are tinged with sadness, knowing they are really not complete, that someone is missing. But we just have to keep going and find the most joy possible in each moment.

Because we got a lotta love to give.

Day 3: Honour

This project/journey is in loving memory of our first son, Korbin Sadiq Love. Most times when strangers ask if P is our first, it's easy to say, 'no, we had a son before him.' But there are days where it's too hard on my heart to even fully answer and the best I can get out is, 'he's our first son with us.' I have to acknowledge K, though, or I feel so guilty. Because he was wanted and still is so loved and missed.

And because I got a lotta love to give.

Day 2: Intention

I intend to not let my grief overshadow the beautiful blessing I have with me, in the name of my precious child, Korbin. There are days where I feel I will be swallowed up by grief when something triggers the tears to flow. But I have to keep my eyes on Parker and remember that he IS here and needs me and so I must be here for him.

Because I got a lotta love to give.

Day 1: Sunrise

I am participating in the #captureyourgrief movement again this year. This is for yesterday, and if you like you can also follow along via instagram @lisaklove or through my facebook.

This was just so perfect for yesterday. Typical fall Seattle sunrise. Describes where I am in my grief journey to a T. Here's to hoping I can sort through the many emotions I'm dealing with daily, and to hopefully coming out of the fog. Thinking of Korbin, as always, and all of the beautiful and amazing moms and dads - and the beautiful little lives lost too soon - that I've met since losing him.

Because I got a lotta love to give.

Too Much

I feel like I've been surrounded by negativity lately, so much so that it's all I focus on. There's good out there in the world, in my life, and yet all I'm seeing is the horrible and devastating. And it makes my heart break just repeatedly.

It started with the storm last weekend. I love storms, but this one killed people here. I'd never heard of a storm here killing people. But a branch fell on a little girl and killed her. What really breaks my heart is that she was at a friend's house playing. They tried CPR. It didn't work. My heart breaks for her parents, who couldn't even be there to try and save their little girl. Helpless. Awful.

Then we had a patient at work having a transfer. I said I coukd do it, but my boss was asking a coworker to do. After I said no, I can do it, she said they'd been through a 22-week loss. My initial thought, I can do this. I asked if it was recent, and put myself in strong support mode. Looking through their chart to be sure I knew what not to say, my heart started breaking. It was so similar, and they had named their precious little boy. I started to shake, and struggled to tell my boss, 'I'm sorry, I don't think I can do it.' And then ran out and found a corner to cry in before I could compose myself.

Now, as I'm finishing this post, there's the father who attempted to being his family to a better place only to lose his wife and two boys to the seas. The picture of the youngest boy's body lying on the shore is haunting me right now.

I'm an incredibly empathetic person. And so I am grieving with all of these parents. I am them. Sick to my stomach my heart aches so much. And it is just too much. It's times like these that I don't how anyone can think that I'm a strong person. Because I feel so weak. So heart broken. I've been doing my best to suppress the pain that's always there. And in this moment my heart has been rebroken, ripped open, and the grief is pouring out in waves, catching me off guard.

I still need time to grieve. And my heart aches for K and needs P desperately.

Because I got a lotta love to give.

Present or Captured

Saturday mornings we like to take it easy, lounge around and eat breakfast and drink coffee while watching music videos on VH1 (yes, there's a station that actually plays music videos!). Well, a new Ed Sheeran song was set to video clips of him growing up, capturing small yet big moments like walking, crawling, and early music lessons. Totally a cute video, yet it sent me into a momentary panic as I couldn't remember taking any videos of P these past 16 months.

And then I got so sad. It's too late to catch up. You can't turn back the clock and relive such wonderful moments. (We know this all too well, unfortunately.)

Of course, upon checking the video section of my phone, I found more videos than I had remembered taking. Whew!

I really do take so many pictures, and even videos. At times I have to force myself to put down my phone and just enjoy the moment. But I so desperately want to capture it all, to preserve it and hold onto it for, well, forever. Of course, the memories are in my mind and my heart, but memories fade over time.

(And of course, another fact we know all too well.) And so I find myself caught between being present in each moment and needing to capture them to be able relive them over and over again. The only thing that brings me to put my phone down and stop snapping pictures and taking videos is thinking about generations past. What did they have? Maybe a family portrait once in their life time? A few times if they were lucky? Many people today don't find themselvesdrowning  in photos, either. I remember a coworker telling me she has 20 photos from her wedding and that was just all you got back then (in the 80s). In this digital age, we received over 1,500 to go through and choose from. Overwhelming to the point that I still don't have a wedding album put together.

And on the flip side, the few precious moments captured with Korbin are already carefully scrapbooked, and copied and saved everywhere possible.

This just fuels my desire to capture every fleeting moment, because you never know when or if you'll get creamed by a semi (morbid, but that is honestly how I look at life these days, no regrets as tomorrow I could get creamed...). I'm just so afraid of missing something, or forgetting completely.

I guess there really isn't any right way to go about this. I'll capture moments and I'll let moments slip by. And I'll treasure every second of them, relivable or not.

Because I got a lotta love to give.

Baby Clothes

Man, who knew going through and passing on baby clothes could be so emotional? Well, I guess I kind of knew. I remember my dad having us sit down with my step mom to go through all of Sarah's and Roland's baby clothes to donate stuff. She got so upset, and understandably so, as she'd just had her third or fourth miscarriage in just a few short years. She wasn't ready to be done just yet.

I gave all of Ps clothes to Chelsea, knowing full well she may have a girl. But I guess a part of me wanted her to have a boy just so I could selfishly still be attached to those precious outfits somehow. She's had her beautiful little girl now, and so the majority of the clothes just aren't quite girly enough. No big deal, I know some other pregnant friends who will need boy clothes. I'd so rather they get the clothes than donate them. At least I could still see an outfit or two. But I can't really ask for them back now. Not like I felt I could with Chelsea.

The hardest part is coming to the realization that I most likely don't need them back. I want them, because I'm not done. But we don't even know if we could 'safely' try to have even just one more kiddo. We're working on figuring that all out, but until then, we are technically done. And I'm having such a hard time with that.

The clothes are so much more than bags of clothes. They're a chapter we're probably already done with. It's a hard chapter, one I feel I could do again, but Ry isn't so sure (in fact, he knows he couldn't). It's just such an emotional place to be.

I cried huge alligator tears yesterday, my heart heavy knowing all of this. I'm just not done yet.

Because I gotta love to give.

Welcome Baby Scherschel!!

I'm an auntie again! This time to an adorable and tiny little girl. I am so in love with my little niece!

She surprised us all, coming at 35 weeks and 3 days instead of past due as expected. What's with us Gaulke/Nelson girls and preterm birth?! Baby, mom and dad are all doing well, thankfully, and should be home soon to settle in to their new life together.

I'm internally being the typical big sister who knows just what she needs to do to get her milk in and pump and be successful at breastfeeding (I was up ALL night, just tossing and turning, hoping and stressing that it all goes just as she wants/ needs it to for her new little bundle of joy). But, like I said, internally. She will do what she needs to do for her baby, and if she wants to ask me a question, yay! But otherwise I'll zip my lips, because it can be such a stressful relationship at first. I just want it to be perfect for her! I want baby to be perfectly healthy and home and safe in their arms! I really do worry too much.

But my heart is just bursting with emotion for them!

Because I got a lotta love to give.

A Molar!

Brushing Ps teeth tonight I was totally shocked to find a molar! I assumed his next teeth would be the two on either side of his bottom middle two teeth. But no, apparently his molars are next.

He's only dribbled some drool a few times recently, and is just chewing a bit more than usual. He's not a typical teething baby, hardly fussy and still happy as can be. So it's been really hard to tell if he was teething for sure or not. But a molar?!

These little milestones are so exciting to me, to both Ryan and me. So many people say things like, "oh but they're not a tiny baby any more" and "don't you wish he weren't crawling/walking/talking/anything new yet." Honestly, I don't wish that. Yes, I miss the newborn baby snuggles, but I also try really hard to focus on how amazing it is that P is still with us. We get to watch him grow and learn and develop and it is absolutely amazing and thrilling.

So I'm just going to keep enjoying how much grows and changes daily.

Because I got a lotta love to give.

Baptism, Take 2

Today, Parker was finally baptised. Yay! It was a beautiful and emotional occasion with immediate family, and thankfully the weather cooperated.

I'll admit, I was a little anxious, maybe even apprehensive, leading up to the moment. What if something catastrophic happened just after? Pushing the ever present, scary thoughts aside, I found I really was thrilled to have Parker baptised. Something about it just feels so complete now.

It took place in Korbin's garden and his Uncle Tim performed the baptism, which was really special to me. Now all my boys are baptised, and my heart is full knowing that.

I got a lotta love to give.

The Feels

I keep seeing this around Facebook with people talking about love and loss. It's a cutesy way to acknowledge such deep, profound feelings. For someone who's trying to focus on the happy things in life, the feels can be pretty hard to allow into daily life.

Deep down, I've been pretty emotionally unstable lately. It's just this time of year. Korbin's garden is blooming, spring is here and the air is warmer. One would think it's a happier time of year. But it's this time each year since having Korbin that I tend to think about what may have been and if there were signs that I had missed. The weird tightening feeling that was gone an hour later and didn't return till I was told I was in full labor with him. The odd stomach flipping over feeling that made me want to hurl suddenly but was gone just as quickly. The spotting stopping and so we didn't go to the hospital. What if we had gone? What if?!?

All these thoughts run through my mind with an even stronger intensity this time of year leading up to Korbin's birthday. And yet I push them down and smile at Parker as much as I can. Two opposite feels, such deep love juxtaposed with such despair. Side by side. Oh these feels, they are tough to balance.

Pushing down the sadness is hard mentally as I don't want to push away my thoughts of Korbin, I just wish I could have more positive memories. To think of him and smile instead of burst into tears. 

Really, I just wish he were here. That we were a complete family of four.

Because I got a lotta love to give.

Helper

All too often Ryan and I (okay, mostly Ryan, I'll admit) can be a bit over-the-top about things being put away at home. I slack at times because I'll have multiple projects being worked on at once that, if they're put away, I'll forget about them. Anyway, things must be orderly and in their place. Children mess with this perfect order. Big time.

I'll put all of my old paperwork in a shred pile, and P will see it and promptly pull it apart piece by piece and spread it everywhere. I'll hang up clean diaper covers to dry, or have inserts and covers in a bin ready to put together for daycare. And P will dig out anything he can, and spread them everywhere. We pick up his toys and put them in baskets. He pulls them out. And spreads them everywhere. Notice the pattern?

Honestly, all I can do is smile. Which is such a better alternative to getting frustrated and yelling when he has no idea he's messing anything up to begin with. To help me maintain that positive spin, I say, "are you helping?" with a smile on my face. And P just smiles and keeps up with the good help.

It really is good help. For my frame of mind, my sanity. P helps me remember that everything will be okay, even when things are messy. The mess is temporary. And oddly, I'm thankful for these messy moments. They bring me fully present into reality and out of the robot get through life mode that I tend to fall into so often still.

Because I got a litta love to give.

Spilled Milk

There's the saying, "There's no use crying over spilled milk." Well, whoever wrote that was never a working/pumping mom! Breast is such liquid gold, full of amazing healing and nutritional properties, that every drop must be used and not go to waste.

That being said, my rather large freezer stash from my oversupply days (thank you NICU lactation consultants for stressing me out by saying that I just wasn't producing enough...) has hundreds of ounces near their 'expiration.' Roughly a year in the deep freezer can be too long. So, I posted info to a few pages on Facebook and found a match. P will not get through it as he gets fresh from me, plus one frozen bottle a day while I'm away at work. I can't stand the thought of just throwing it out, therefore it must be put to good use.

What 210oz looks like....

This mama is amazing. Battling a disease that requires medications that tank her supply. She would stay off as long as possible to build her supply, then get back on the meds to have it tank immediately, and then repeat. I cannot fathom having a hurdle like that. After all we've been through, thank you God I can nurse my boy!

Hearing this, I now was able to finally let go a little of the milk I've amassed during my own nursing journey. It's crazy the relationship one builds with their supply.

We met nearby, and as she got out of her car I wanted to hug her, but wasn't sure if she would reciprocate. Then she kind of leaned in and said she had to hug me. I almost cried, it became such an intimate and emotional moment. I'm able to nourish her child the best way she sees fit. She may not be able to nurse, but her baby still gets the magical liquid gold her body needs.

Just amazing.

Kind of an instant bond between two total strangers. Her gratitude, completely not necessary, but so incredibly heart warming.

I will do this again.

Because I got a lotta love to give.

Opinions

You can read about this anywhere on the internet these days. How moms need to band together and support each other despite our differing opinions on parenting. Because we're all just doing the same thing: taking care of our children the best way we see fit.

I know I can be judgy. There's just a huge difference between thinking the judgment and acting upon it. What I have chosen is not what works for every other parent out there, nor every child for that matter. (There are few things that this does not really cover, however, vaccines being one of them because that affects my childand  every other child one will come into contact with...but that's a post for another day!)

Depsite knowing that we all will judge, it still takes me aback when I am confronted with anothers judgmental attitude. For instance, at a family function recently, one family brought up how long I was continuing to breastfeed P. I calmly said that I'm letting him self wean, which may be a while. This person said she just can't understand nursing a child who can ask for it, that it's just plain wierd. And furthermore, she just doesn't want to see it. So. Much. Judgment.

I said that I'll nurse him till he's four or five if that's how long it goes, and I don't mind the length of time people nurse. I did not comment on nursing in public, but instead nursed P (at the dinner table!) just after dinner.

I then came across this great article to all those judging outwardly, and it all boiled down to this one major point: you don't have to watch.

Yes! If you don't want to see it, you don't have to look, stare, or even comment on it. I think snot is disgusting, and I'd rather not see kids blow their nose. So will you just keep that to a bathroom stall from now on please? I know you have a tossue in your purse that's super handy, but I really don't want to see that. Or I can just not watch it!

Ry pointed out on the way home from dinner that night that P already asks for it. He may not say 'milk' but we both know when he's asking to nurse. Not gonna stop, especially with the APA saying to continue at least four times a day till age two.

We need to build each other up, support each other in our differing approaches to parenting. Because we're all just doing the best we can. I know I am.

And I got a lotta love to give.

Easter 2015

For some reason I kept thinking this was Ps first Easter, but his first was just after being released from the NICU. And I'm pretty sure we just stayed home and enjoyed time with him.

This year was different. We went to church, he got a special outfit, we put some toys in a basket for him (pretty sure he still doesn't get the gift receiving thing, so precious). I felt like I went all out.

I even got the day off work (after arriving and getting things started, I was then told to get home just in time to join everyone for chirch).

It was such a nice day with Ryan and P and family. I so look forward to more. And more church. It made me realise that I've really been missing that in my life. I pray, and read the bible on occasion. But I miss a good traditional church service, with the hymnal and prays and hymns and gospel and lessons and communion. All of it. But nothing new agey or rock bandish. And one that actually wants to be a part of the community. Something to work toward, I guess, as I'm it on Sundays at work. They'll have to understand at some point.

Because I got a lotta love to give.

Another Motto to Live By

Do what you love, and love what you do. For me, I definitely love what I do. Working with patients and in the lab, I've found the perfect balance in my work in the fertility world. But lately, especially after getting to be a mom to my wonderful Mr. P, I've begun questioning whether I really do what I love.

Can they be two separate things? For me, yes. With the latter part of the motto, despite not making it into med school and become a surgeon like I'd ensvisioned, I've found I truly love the balance of lab benchwork and patient interaction. I start my day assessing embryos to give patients the best odds possible, and end telling those patients how we came this point in their cycle. Seeing their emotion in the lrocess reinforces my drive to keep doing this five days a week. It's never boring or repetitive, as each day has it's own challenges. All things I sought in medicine, and have found in this clinical lab setting. It's wonderful to feel so fulfilled in my career.

Outside of my career, however, is a whole other story. I know I love what I do, but am I really doing what I love? After becoming a mom to P, what has been left behind that I feel is lacking? Art, creativity. Sketching. Painting. Creating. I so miss it. Every so often there's a smidgen of time to whip out a quick sketch. But I'd love to desicate more time to creating with a purpose. Within that I would need to find the perfect balance of art and science (because I'm still a nerd, after all). And doing enough to feel fulfilled but not so much it becomes a chore that I have to get done just to get it done and out. A new challenge! I love challenges.

Trying something new is always stressful, sketching is my greatest destressor.

Nothing crazy, but boy did it feel good. Amazing what a small amount of me time can do!

Now back to mothering my little man.

Because I got a lotta love to give.

One. Year. Old.

One year old! I am in disbelief, and yet thrilled at the same time. My baby is getting so big, and is still my baby at the same time.

It's amazing how time has flown by this past year. With our first real nursing strike over (thank God! as Ry said, P and I have now worked out our differences), I've been reflecting so much on what it felt like to bring P home from the NICU. There was such a jumble of emotions and feelings. Elated, scared, so full of love, and overwhelmed. And peaceful. That first afternoon at home, just Ryan, P, and me, it was peaceful.

I've also been reflecting on how I feel as a mom. In a word: awkward. Am I doing anything right? God only knows. P has done well so far, I guess that says something. Right!?!

So what is P doing now, so much! He eats everything. I mean EVERYTHING. A lemon made him do this hilarious head quiver body shake...and so he kept eating it. Hilarious! Mushrooms, peas, green beans, carrots, apples, bananas, eggs, chicken, anything except tuna at this point. No matter how we cook it, he chows down. He loved chicken curry! I know this stage won't last forever, so I'm enjoying it for now!

He just started real crawling, and it melts my heart to watch him! He is so adorable. The cutest baby here on Earth, and yes, I know I'm biased. He is also scaling everything and has figured out how to open cabinets. We bought a gate to separate him and the dogs as Seven gets excited and will walk all over him. And Bear is still an old, grumpy dog. Separation is best for now. They do interact, but it's definitely with a watchful eye.

P babbles and tries to communicate with us more, points at things, notices shadows, and dances back and forth to music, too. He does this hilarious sucking in style laugh when he's really cracking up at Ryan (yes, I said AT).

Today we had his first birthday party, and we squeezed family and friends into our tiny home. I kind of went all out (for me), having printed invites mailed and baking cupcakes, making my own paper decorations. This is really the only first birthday I get to plan and make happen, I had to really do it all. And I'm so glad I did. The decor turned our great, P was surrounded by so many people who love and adore him, and we had a blast watching him take it all in.

Turns out P is more of a clean freak than we realized, not wanting the whipped cream in his smash pie all over his hands. But he soon figured out how delicious a treat it was.

I am so looking forward to many more birthdays! I am so grateful P has survived (and thrived in) his first year here with us. He is such a joy to watch and learn with.

Here's to many more years!!

Because we got a lotta love to give.

Weaning

Two nights ago, P bit me five times in a row. It really hurt and I had to tell him no very sternly. And then he ended up just crying himself to sleep in my arms.

Oh, what a tough ride it's been since that moment. He has only nursed twice since then. Only letting himself get close enough so his lips touch and arching his back away from me and crying. And it totally breaks my heart. I don't want him to think he can't nurse any longer. I am far from ready for that. And yet he's resisting now and I can't force him to nurse if he's not willing to.

This has made me rethink my nursing goals and what the true goal is. My goals have been to make it at least a year (so close, so close!), and then beyond to 13.5mo (adjusted age of one year), and ideally two years old even if only first thing in the morning and at bed time. Two days ago I was feeling so happy and confident of thr one year and even 13.5mo goals. Easy, right? P was still nursing 5-6 times per day, in the least. Now, who knows if he'll make it to 13.5mo?

It is so emotional for me. I miss the connection and bonding. I miss him needing me so much. He still comes up to me as though he does, but then pushes me away.

I am so not ready for this. So completely not ready for my baby to not be a baby any more. It honestly breaks my heart, which is probably just the hormones talking. But oye is it rough!

I just need him to need me still.

Beacause I got a lotta love to give.

Lost forever

I read this recently and it just rings so true for me:

“I lost an infant, a toddler, and I’ll lose a teenage and an adult son,” said Fitzgerald-Zita, a freelance writer. “You just continue to lose that for the rest of your life.” 

Baby Love, My Baby Love.

I got a lotta love to give.

Taking it all in

Life gets hectic. And with the craziness comes that exhausted, overwhelmed feeling, with nerves slightly fried. Trying to squeeze so much into one day, I find myself forgetting that there's this amazing little person who is changing every day.

I realized last week that P is turning one soon, and I won't have my little baby any more. I will have this adorable just-about-toddler, but the baby days are quickly slipping away. Last week my one day of just P and me was suddenly full with something that had to be done sooner than later. With everything organized, including leaving P in daycare for the day, I found myself near tears that I'd be missing another day with my little man. That we only have so many Fridays left before he's one. Daycare was canceled, and we spent Friday together, busy as it was. We at least had time together!

So much is still happening day to day. From planning Ps first birthday perty at our home, to final touches on our nearly complete bathroom remodel, to crafty art projects, making dinner and washing diapers and deciding what foods to send with P to daycare the next day and laundry and thinking about this blog and wishing I could get to it more often.

Today I started to get caught up in all of the above things, until I realized P was doing his best to speed crawl behind me and keep up with me as I raced around the house. He just needed me.

He nursed, and fell asleep in my arms, and all I could do was hold him close and smile at this beautiful little being, who's ot so little any more!

I miss my baby (babies, really), but I love love LOVE seeing who P is becoming. And so I'm forcing the slow down moments to take it all in.

Because I got a lotta love to give.

Oz Take 2!!

What a fun family adventure! This was P's first trip on a plane, and it was international! I admit, I was so nervous about how he would do with the take offs and time difference. Be he was such a trooper, even when it was almost too hot to sleep.

Within this adventure, P started so many new things: pulling himself up on things to stand, saying the mamamama sound consistently (warms my heart), getting upright to sit from crawling around, climbing stairs and two more teeth came in. So much in such a short time!

He experienced sand on the beach for the first time. Hated the cool pool water that was meant to be refreshing. Took a literal dip head first in another pool (oye, bad parenting moment right there). And got hear Kookaburras and other birds wake him up each morning in Brisbane.

We lost the white jacket on the flight over apparently, haven't seen it since. But with how far we traveled and drove around and packed and unpacked, I'm thankful that's the only casualty of such a wonderful trip.

This was such a fantastic first family trip, a true adventure with such a little guy who traveled so well. People around us on the plane told us they were impressed by how well beghaved he was. Whew! But even if he were to be fussy and upset, I would not have cared if others were upset by it. I would only have wanted to try and make him feel better.

I'm so thankful for the beautiful new memories we made with wonderful friends. I'm thankful for the friends we have in Australia. And for how they remember K and know how special it is to travel with P.

I'm just so thankful.

And I got a lotta love to give.

First Tooth!

Ps first tooth has just broke through! Since he only wants to chew anything that touches his mouth, I don't have a picture just yet. But I'm excited about this next phase in his development.

It's a little bittersweet, though. He's my baby, my tiny, chunky, gummy baby. And yet he's not quite so tiny any more. He's become so tall and lean (though he does still have the chunky chipmunk cheeks). And now he's no longer funny or adorable toothless when he smiles. 

He will be just as adorable, of course. It's just amazing to watch my baby grow and become less and less of a baby. Yet he's still my baby.

I just need to take advantage of all the baby snuggle time I can while he's still a baby!

Because I got a lotta love to give.