Wednesday, October 15, 2014

7 Months Old!

Our little P-nut is over the 6mo hump and already a month into the second half of his first year of life with us! We are just loving watching his continual development into such an awesome little person.
He just started finding his legs and feet this last month, which he'll hold on occasion. Sitting up is still wobbly, but it's coming along. On the 3rd he sat unassisted for a whole 3 seconds! He has also found his penis (um, he's a boy, of course he has!). And he is becoming a thumb sucker as of the 11th. I don't even know the last time we tried a binky as since he was 6mo we switched him to his own crib and he LOVES it. We are all loving the sleep. P also loves bath time, and can't seem to kick and splash enough before bath time is over. And overall he seems to be much more aware of people and things around him now, too.
While nursing, he also wants to talk to me, which can be tricky! But it is so precious to see and hear. And we are still nursing, which means I am still pumping, and it is so worth it!
Daycare has been fantastic. I think that's mostly because he is with family. He seems to really enjoy his time with his auntie and cousins and the other kids. Something we are working on with dropping him off and picking him up is waving hi and bye. I swear he's done it a few times now!

Being 7mo now, technically 5.5mo, we decide it was time to try some solid food. I'm not so sure he really liked the oatmeal, even though it was mixed with breast milk. But this is where the fun in trying new foods is. Oh the faces!

Loving every second with our little P-nut.
Because we got a lotta love to give.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

A Poem

When Tomorrow Starts Without Me
By David M Romano

When tomorrow starts without me
And I’m not here to see
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me

I wish you wouldn’t cry 
The Way you did today
While thinking of the many things
We did not get to say

I know how much you love me
As much as I love you
Each time that you think of me
I know you will miss me too

When tomorrow starts with out me
Please try to understand
That an angel came and called my name
And took me by the hand

The angel said my place was ready
In heaven far above
And That I would have to leave behind
All those I Dearly Love

But When I walked through Heaven’s Gates
I felt so much at home
When GOD looked down and smiled at me 
From his golden throne

He said This Is Eternity
And All I promised you
Today for life on earth is done
But Here it starts a new

I promise no tomorrow 
For today will always last
And Since each day’s the exact same way
There is no longing for the past

So When Tomorrow starts without me
Do not think we’re apart
For every time you think of me 
Remember I’m right here in your heart

Forever in my heart, Korbin.
Because I got a lotta love to give.

Friday, October 10, 2014


So, you'd think I would be on top of this. Date set once we knew P was coming home from the NICU, family and close friends invited and an outfit picked out. Nope, I just know I want him baptized. But that is it!
Up until recently I couldn't figure out why I was holding off on something I feel is so important. Then I realized I was actually somewhat traumatized by Ks baptism. It sounds odd, but there was just this finality in K being baptized. A rush to do it before his little heart stopped beating for good. Trying to bear death. It's like a part of me deep down is worried that something will take P away from us once we finally have him baptized. And so I keep pushing it off, and just think about it here and there and how we still need to do it.
At the same time, I do feel a push to do it because what if something happens and P wasn't baptized in time? I honestly never thought this could be such a difficult thing to set up. Especially when it was such a no brainer with K. There was no doubt I wanted him baptized. And there's no doubt I want P baptized.
Just something I'll have to figure out in time.
Because I got a lotta love to give.

Friday, October 3, 2014


I know I'm a part of a different club that no one wants to join, but I never expected to feel shunned by those around me on the outside. 
There is the pregnant coworker who will barely speak to me, let alone look me in the eye. And I feel like she can't run away from me fast enough. I get it, I'm not the picture of a perfect pregnancy and healthy living children. I'm tainted now. And this new aspect of my loss has really started to bother me as it's one I never thought I'd have to deal with. And it actually really hurts.
Especially now, during the month of October when people in the DBC like me try to remember our lost little loves (not like we ever stop thinking of them) and bring awareness to the harsh reality of losing a child, I'm seeing how much we've become outsiders from the norms of society.
I saw this in my news feed the other day:

Really? Hide people. I hid all the happy pregnant people for two years because I couldn't stand it, it hurt so much to see others so happy. But I never would have posted that they needed to stop being happy because I was hurting so much inside. I guess the opposite is okay, though, because only happiness and joy are accepted these days. We've become a society that ignores the dark and scary sadness instead of acknowledging that it happens. I guess it's just easier that way.
No wonder it is so incredibly difficult to deal with loss and the pain and sadness and ache for your lost loves. It's not okay for us to speak out about it because it makes others uncomfortable, so we're supposed to forget and keep quiet.
But I will NEVER stop talking about or remembering or loving my precious little Korbin. I miss him with all my heart and soul, with every fiber of my being.
Because I got a lotta love to give.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Full Time

I just finished my first week back full time at work and it was rough. It ended up being as difficult as I had thought it would be, and had hoped it wouldn't. Being away from P so many days in a row sucked! And yet I know I can do this.
I felt okay from Sunday through Wednesday, especially since I was getting so much done at work. But Thursday was difficult as I had trouble with the new techniques I'm learning, and by the end of the day I felt drained completely, and emotional. Not being completely successful at work made me feel like I was making a mistake going back full time so soon. And this made me wish I was home having snuggle time with P that much more, instead of struggling at work.
It's such a hard balance to find, to be a working mom. There are too few hours in the day to feel completely satisfied at work and at home. After a full day of work, there's still laundry and dishes, dinner, cleaning pump parts and setting up milk and diapers and spare clothes for the next day. That all takes so much time away from P, on top of being away from him all day for work.
Yet I know working is good for me, but I want to be at home so much still. I fear I'll be losing some important moments with our second little man. First steps? First word? What will it be? Hopefully nothing! It was all I could do to not burst into tears thinking about these things driving home from the tough work day to pick up P from daycare.
Here's to hoping I find the balance between work and home sooner than later.
Because I got a lotta love to give.