Friday, September 4, 2015

Too Much

I feel like I've been surrounded by negativity lately, so much so that it's all I focus on. There's good out there in the world, in my life, and yet all I'm seeing is the horrible and devastating. And it makes my heart break just repeatedly.
It started with the storm last weekend. I love storms, but this one killed people here. I'd never heard of a storm here killing people. But a branch fell on a little girl and killed her. What really breaks my heart is that she was at a friend's house playing. They tried CPR. It didn't work. My heart breaks for her parents, who couldn't even be there to try and save their little girl. Helpless. Awful.
Then we had a patient at work having a transfer. I said I coukd do it, but my boss was asking a coworker to do. After I said no, I can do it, she said they'd been through a 22-week loss. My initial thought, I can do this. I asked if it was recent, and put myself in strong support mode. Looking through their chart to be sure I knew what not to say, my heart started breaking. It was so similar, and they had named their precious little boy. I started to shake, and struggled to tell my boss, 'I'm sorry, I don't think I can do it.' And then ran out and found a corner to cry in before I could compose myself.
Now, as I'm finishing this post, there's the father who attempted to being his family to a better place only to lose his wife and two boys to the seas. The picture of the youngest boy's body lying on the shore is haunting me right now.
I'm an incredibly empathetic person. And so I am grieving with all of these parents. I am them. Sick to my stomach my heart aches so much. And it is just too much. It's times like these that I don't how anyone can think that I'm a strong person. Because I feel so weak. So heart broken. I've been doing my best to suppress the pain that's always there. And in this moment my heart has been rebroken, ripped open, and the grief is pouring out in waves, catching me off guard.
I still need time to grieve. And my heart aches for K and needs P desperately.
Because I got a lotta love to give.