Thursday, August 4, 2016

To-Do List

I am a list-maker. I have lists on notepads, my phone, in my head. Everything I do each day revolves around my lists of things that 'need' to get done.
From laundry to weeding to dusting, there are always chores to add to my lists. But I realized earlier this week that one of the most important things in my life was never on my to-do lists: time with Parker. In my mind, it was technically time with him as he was there, either walking next to me or strapped to my back. At times I'd get frustrated as he would 'help' fold clothes, water or weed the garden. What joy is he getting out of that?
P has not been on my to-do list, and it's time to change that. Before now, there's been no park time, no drawing, no cars or walks. Just chores and maybe a few minutes of free time depending on how much of my to-do list was crossed off.
Thinking about how I need to put fun play time on my list, I kind of saw Ps life flashing by before my eyes. It's going by so quickly, and I NEED to make our time together more meaningful than just scratching things off of a to-do list.
My first test came when I was outside with P trying to get some weeding done and the neighbor kids asked if he could play in the park with them. My initial reaction was no, I can't get my weeding done then. But I stopped that, put the gloves down, and went to the park and sat on the bench and watched him play for close to an hour. The kids' mom came out and we chatted for a while. It was so nice. And so needed!
Here's to making more meaningful time for P (and Ryan!).
Because I got a lotta love to give.

Monday, May 2, 2016

Another Trigger

This one caught me off guard today. Getting ready to do a procedure, room full if coworkers and the patient on the table. Then the nurse anesthetist squeezes the syringe.
The syringe with the drug that puts you to sleep in the blink of an eye. The same, or similar to at least, as the one given to me before Korbin was cut from me. My second major surgery in life. The only one I remember being put under for.
It was all I could do to stop the tears. I had to mentally check out, and then focus and just start counting.
Something about the soothing way the nurse anesthetist  told the patient to relax and go to sleep. It brought me back to the anesthesiologist for my c-section with Korbin. So calm, trusting. Everything would be okay. Except as quickly as I went under, I came back to chaos, joy, and then complete sorrow.
Now something subconsciously must keep that feeling of total loss deeply connected to the thought of being put to sleep for surgery. I reacted similarly to the thought of Little Bear being put under for dental work. I panicked and immediately started crying.
Usually I'm not in the room when the patient is going under. I enter just after that. But today the schedule was funky and I caught it all, only to find that it's too much and I need to do my best to avoid it from now on.
As we come up on Korbin's fourth birthday, I need to protect my heart as best as I can. For myself, for Ryan. And for Parker.
Because I got a lotta love to give.

Thursday, November 19, 2015


Since participating in the #captureyourgrief project in October, I have been reflecting, reflecting, reflecting. I started the project to figure out where I am in my grief journey. Am I okay? Am I struggling? Slipping or climbing?
Sifting through my emotions for the first part of October seemed like such a therapeutic thing to do. At first. As I posted each day, the project turned from therapeutic and freeing to leading me down a path of total despair once again, leaving my heart ripped open anew. I even started having terrifying dreams, heart and gut wrenching nightmares. The project brought me back to day zero.
Some may think that to go back to those precious short moments with Korbin is good to remember. But the pain from those bittersweet memories settled in and gripped tightest around my heart again. A fellow support group member posted about going through something similar with the project, so I replied with my sympathies and that I was struggling as well. Then I said that maybe it's okay to let things be at peace instead of trudging through it all again.
Though it was meant in support to another, I know deep down I needed to admit it to myself. Remind myself, really. Because the pain of Korbin's physical absence will never go away, will never lessen or be easier. It's how I handle the pain. Whether I let it take me down a horrible spiral into nothingness, or let it be and find some inner strength to be happy, at peace. There are people here in life to be happy for; Ryan, Parker. Family and friends. Is it hard? It's been the hardest thing to just keep going since June 1, 2012. But I have to.
Because I got a lotta love to give.

Monday, October 19, 2015

Day 19: Music

Day 19: Music. Songs of lost love are really what get to me. Loving a child is probably the deepest love one can know. I could only liken the heartache to a moment when I thought I'd lost Ryan forever. Indescribable. 'Wide Awake' by Katy Perry really captured my feelings, especially the lyrics above. Life was so perfect and beautiful, like a dream. And I was ripped into reality, literally crashing down from how high on life I was.
But I still got a lotta love to give.

Day 18: Seasons

Day 18: Seasons. Spring is new life after the harsh darkness of the winter. And yet I have the hardest time with Spring now, and it's transition into summer. I remember so looking forward to my growing belly, to Korbin getting big and plump and ready for the outside world. It's crazy how quickly life changes, and what an imprint it leaves on your heart.

But I still got a lotta love to give.

Monday, October 5, 2015

Day 5: Empathy

I so cherish the moments when others say Korbin's name. It's comforting to know Ryan and I aren't the only ones thinking of him. I have a friend who often calls Parker Korbin when asking about P. And though I think she feels bad for thr slip up, I love it. It always makes me smile. Others may think to not mention Korbin to protect our hearts, but talking about him can only help us heal.
Because we got a lotta love to give.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Day 4: Light and Dark

I had to capture this quote because it represents my daily struggle. That life is bittersweet. Even the happiest of moments are tinged with sadness, knowing they are really not complete, that someone is missing. But we just have to keep going and find the most joy possible in each moment.
Because we got a lotta love to give.