Updates

Some things are getting easier to let go of. They're just material items, and they will be so much better loved when they are actually used. Sure, there are people who make special outfits or shirts in to a keepsake stuffy. But do you know how many stuffies my child has? His trunk is overflowing with them. The last thing we need is another stuffy to become attached to at this point. Marie Kondo has definitely been on one of my shoulders as I walk though each room and just ponder what can be pared down.
Recently, I found a pile of super adorable baby clothes that P wore at some point as a baby. We've already donated the majority of his baby clothes, and have a good rotation of clothes going to friends with younger kids who can then continue the love. And a few special items have already been set aside in a trunk as keep sakes. Part of me felt this newfound pile needed to be kept as well. The clothes are just so tiny! So cute! Queue the squealing and cooing. But this mentality will only, over time, fill every crevice of our home. Things will begin to overfill. And life will become too untidy for us (especially Ryan who has to have order in order to function in our daily routine).
Again, these are just material items. A reminder I have to repeat over and over and over again, as though it were my mantra. The clothes will go to friends. They will be used and loved and adored. Life will regain some order.
What I just can't seem to get rid of, even though it doesn't necessarily bring me joy any longer, is the app I used to track my pregnancy with Korbin. As phone memory space gets larger and larger, just like computer and "cloud" space for photos and videos and documents, my need to clean out old apps and make room for more pictures lessens. Most apps are flushed out with a new update. The completely unused gone, just in time for the next best thing to take their place. This app, however, sits on my phone. Untouched since I last looked at it, the Monday of 24 weeks. I checked Korbin's size, pondered what the next steps were for testing in my pregnancy, and then exited the app. Since then, the app continually wants to be updated. But I can't bring myself to even update it, let alone delete it. I don't think I even have the one I used to track Ps progress any longer. We're just so far beyond it, we made it through that stage and have been through so many other trackable stages at this point.
But Korbin's progress was so suddenly halted, it feels wrong to see a piece of that go away. Updating this app would most likely mean deleting parts of the data that could potentially still be held there. Details I had jotted down, or questions I had flagged for my OB. Maybe it's the potential I'm still holding on to. It's not even by a thread any longer, a glimmer of a far away dream perhaps? Either way, the app remains and reminds me with every mass update time what was possibly going to be.
It's hard to let go of past possibilities. Especially when they held such a hold on your heart. But maybe sometimes it's okay to hold on, even when the hope is gone. Because there's still so much love wrapped up in the memories and what ifs.
And I got a lotta love to give.