Friday, October 3, 2014

Tainted

I know I'm a part of a different club that no one wants to join, but I never expected to feel shunned by those around me on the outside. 
There is the pregnant coworker who will barely speak to me, let alone look me in the eye. And I feel like she can't run away from me fast enough. I get it, I'm not the picture of a perfect pregnancy and healthy living children. I'm tainted now. And this new aspect of my loss has really started to bother me as it's one I never thought I'd have to deal with. And it actually really hurts.
Especially now, during the month of October when people in the DBC like me try to remember our lost little loves (not like we ever stop thinking of them) and bring awareness to the harsh reality of losing a child, I'm seeing how much we've become outsiders from the norms of society.
I saw this in my news feed the other day:


Really? Hide people. I hid all the happy pregnant people for two years because I couldn't stand it, it hurt so much to see others so happy. But I never would have posted that they needed to stop being happy because I was hurting so much inside. I guess the opposite is okay, though, because only happiness and joy are accepted these days. We've become a society that ignores the dark and scary sadness instead of acknowledging that it happens. I guess it's just easier that way.
No wonder it is so incredibly difficult to deal with loss and the pain and sadness and ache for your lost loves. It's not okay for us to speak out about it because it makes others uncomfortable, so we're supposed to forget and keep quiet.
But I will NEVER stop talking about or remembering or loving my precious little Korbin. I miss him with all my heart and soul, with every fiber of my being.
Because I got a lotta love to give.

2 comments:

  1. Reading through your posts, I definitely sense a theme of isolation, most strongly in this latest entry. Grief is like a big, big forest - sometimes dark, sometimes beautiful. Maybe you're feeling lonely in there on your own. Maybe it's time for a trail guide. Have you considered doing some one-on-one counseling? Not because you need to leave the woods, but because they are so vast and there's so much to explore.
    I know you are periodically confronted by advice or comments about the loss of Korbin that feel hurtful. Please know that my words come from a place of good and loving intentions, and also my own very positive experience with one-on-one counseling.
    And if you're thinking that there just isn't space in your life to take time for yourself, know that there is always a way to make it work. And it is in no way selfish to do so. Every good thing you do for yourself - mind, body & spirit - benefits not just you, but Parker too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Anna, for saying this! It's definitely hard to take that first step into counseling. Just like walking into support group for the first time. I've had a referral for months to a counselor who deals with what I've been through. I need to do it, if not for me, for Parker.
      One great thing about this blog, having friends catch on to something I didn't realize I was dealing with! The isolation. That's definitely how I've been feeling lately, like I don't really belong to a specific group. Mom groups don't get it most of the time as they haven't had losses, and yet support group at times I feel bad turning to them because I have Parker when many are still without a child here. It is isolating.

      Delete