Thursday, November 19, 2015
Since participating in the #captureyourgrief project in October, I have been reflecting, reflecting, reflecting. I started the project to figure out where I am in my grief journey. Am I okay? Am I struggling? Slipping or climbing?
Sifting through my emotions for the first part of October seemed like such a therapeutic thing to do. At first. As I posted each day, the project turned from therapeutic and freeing to leading me down a path of total despair once again, leaving my heart ripped open anew. I even started having terrifying dreams, heart and gut wrenching nightmares. The project brought me back to day zero.
Some may think that to go back to those precious short moments with Korbin is good to remember. But the pain from those bittersweet memories settled in and gripped tightest around my heart again. A fellow support group member posted about going through something similar with the project, so I replied with my sympathies and that I was struggling as well. Then I said that maybe it's okay to let things be at peace instead of trudging through it all again.
Though it was meant in support to another, I know deep down I needed to admit it to myself. Remind myself, really. Because the pain of Korbin's physical absence will never go away, will never lessen or be easier. It's how I handle the pain. Whether I let it take me down a horrible spiral into nothingness, or let it be and find some inner strength to be happy, at peace. There are people here in life to be happy for; Ryan, Parker. Family and friends. Is it hard? It's been the hardest thing to just keep going since June 1, 2012. But I have to.
Because I got a lotta love to give.