Shell

I've noticed that for the past month or so, I've been crying much much less than before. It's not the every day, multiple times a day, like it was before. But in place of crying, I've put up a hard shell of anger. It's easier to be angry about something random than it is to explain to someone why what someone said hurts so damn much. It's a protective shell mostly for my heart.
And yet despite the angry shell, my heart is still so heavy with pain and sadness. Sometimes to the point that I think it might just burst. And, as always, the most random thing can trigger the pain and then the anger to cover up the pain. For instance today, one person was complaining about another person who makes really ridiculous mistakes. The kind of mistakes a new pereson who has no idea what they're doing might make, but not someone who's been doing what they've been doing for four or five years. This person is pregnant, and while this other person was saying how stupid the girl in question is, I had to walk away because I about burst into tears thinking to myself, "why the fuck does she get to have her baby and I don't get mine?" A completely selfish thought, out of anger and pain. But I can't help it.
It's moments like these that remind that I do still need to let the pain out and cry. Support group welcomes the tears, and so I kind of save them up for that once a month. But that's definitely not often enough. So I'll make myself feel the pain and remember certain things about Korbin and my pregnancy to get some tears out. Though the pain never actually goes away or lessens, the crying lets me feel at least some relief.
It's times like these that I have to remind myself that, even though I'm angry as hell at the world and anyone who's successful in having their family around me, I'm not really the bitter, angry person that others see on the outside. There is still pain, and there always will be. My heart is just so full. Because I got a lotta love to give.