Questions

I went for a check-up with my OB last Wednesday and actually had a whole list of questions in mind for her. But first I had to face an overly chatty MA who hadn't even checked my chart before saying, 'You had your baby! She must be so big!' As she continued on to try and guess how old 'she' was, I sat there stunned. Honestly so confused. Finally I stopped her and said, 'He didn't make it.' She paused for a moment to apologize, then went back to her chattering. I honestly don't know what else she said. And it breaks my heart so much to have to correct people that my baby died. It seriously sucks.
Finally Dr. Pray came in. First she thanked me for the card we sent her. I had to let her know how amazing she as been for us, and how much she as taken care of us, not physically but emotionally as well. But that was back in August and I figured it would have been forgotten by now. Doctors have so many patients, I didn't think anything of it after sending it. But having her remember that meant so much. I told her she just did so much for us, and then she replied that she was just there is all. So humble, and that makes me like her even more.
She then asked how I am doing, if I'm doing what I think I need emotionally, and how Ryan and I are faring through all of this. Finally she asked if I had any questions, and I said a lot, to which she replied, 'Oh good!' with a smile. I'm so glad she doesn't make me feel rushed.
I found out my c-section was classic because the lower uterus was not developed yet. So, assuming I get further along in future pregnancies, my next c-section will be in my lower uterus and regular. The risk we face in future pregnancies, on top of already being high risk, is that the placenta could end up within my current c-section scar. It's something that can be found early on, and if that does happen I would have a hysterectomy immediately following birth of that child. Basically the placenta grows into the scar weakening the uterus even further and making it unfit for pregnancy. And, on top of all of this, I'm not even allowed to consider pregnancy for a full nine months from having Korbin. Trying again, and having another child, can soothe one's heart. But future children can never replace the one we've lost, and yet they can fill empty aching arms. All the same, it sucks knowing I shouldn't even be thinking about future pregnancies. Especially when so many around me are pregnant, having their children, or getting pregnant right now. It breaks my heart and it feels like a slap in the face. Like they're all wagging their fingers in my face and saying, 'Hahaha, I can do this and you can't!' It hurts a lot. And yet why should anyone not think about their own family just because I've lost part f mine?
The closest I can come to describing how my heart feels is to compare it to the few times in the far past that I thought I had lost Ryan completely. (No relationship is completely without issues, and thankfully we worked through them.) Thinking he was gone from me forever broke my heart, and is the only thing I can think of that is even remotely close to how my heart aches now. So thank God I do still have Ryan. I don't think I would be surviving like I am if he were gone too. We need each other to get through this as we're suffering the same loss. And it's hitting us extra hard right now because of the holidays. We aren't excited and all in a tither like everyone else is in their happy normal lives. But we have each other, and having Ryan next to me in this reminds me that I got a lotta love to give.