Bah Humbug

Today we went to Frys and as we were walking around, several new families passed by. Strollers full of warm, wrapped up new babies. It hit me hard that I should be pushing a stroller right now too. My mind went into this dual thought process of both trying to imagine how amazing that would be and actually starting to reach out to an imaginary stroller like it was right in front of me. Then I felt suddenly alone and empty. Borderline delusional, right?
The thoughts brought me back to how heavy my heart feels, and I struggled to hold back the tears. Ryan saw my emotional struggle and stopped me to ask what it was, but I shrugged it off, pushed it down to dwell on and think about later. Talking about it out loud is a certain way to bring on the tears. And nobody needs to see that in the middle Christmas shopping at Frys.
And Christmas. Today at work the Christmas music was everywhere except the embryology lab. So I relegated myself to IVF only to escape it as much as possible. I don't want it to be Christmastime already. Another holiday and month passing by in life while I still feel stuck on June 1st. Everyone is excited about this time of year, and we're just coasting along. I kind of feel like Scrooge because all I want to say is 'bah humbug' to everything. I am trying to get myself in the spirit by putting up our decorations, and researching gifts to donate to a new family in need. But it still sucks. The daily tears have come back now. They were getting to be fewer and farther between, but Thanksgiving brought them all back. Part of me wants to warn everyone around me that I'm really not in the holiday mood so don't get into it with me. But I don't want to bring them all down, or have them think they should hush up or hide their excitement around me. Another one of those damned if you do and damned if you don't situations.
So as we enter the holidays, I continue to struggle with my new normal. Dealing with life as it keeps going, with or without us. I am pushing myself to keep going with the hope that I will someday have that stroller to push, and my baby to care for with us and not departed too soon. Because I got a lotta love to give.