Hey Jealousy

Though I can't remember the words to the song, sometimes I feel like singing it because I can feel so jealous. So many things bring up huge waves of jealousy, of envy. It's all part of my new normal, but that doesn't mean it sucks any less.
Things that have brought out these feelings are the birth of my best friends daughter. I just so wish Korbin had come along with her, instead of so soon. Instead of too soon. My sister having her baby to love and care for and for the family to ooh and ahh over, to say how much they love him. Korbin should be getting that all the time too. A coworker coming back to work from maternity leave, now a working mom balancing everything that is perfect with life. I should be doing that too in another month or so. Noah getting his first Thanksgiving, holidays, Christmas. Korbin should be experiencing that with us, and us with him, too. The holidays are so empty right now. And there is forever a hole in life. Finding out someone I know is pregnant. I have to wait to even think about such possible joy again some day. And even then it won't be so easy to get through.
All these events just seem to amplify my own feelings of how unjust and unfair our life is now. And how bitter I feel because I think it's so unjust and unfair.
I flash between thinking others deserve or don't deserve such amazing things, and whether we deserve or don't deserve such things too. Mostly it's that we deserve to have Korbin. But he's gone. And there are still moments where it dawns on me like it just happened. The thought steals the air from my lungs, stops my heart for a moment, and leaves me in an instant state of despair. I'm still devastated. And I just don't get why us. We may never get why.
Today was our anniversary. Ry and I just spent the day shopping, and being lazy, and just hanging out with each other. Our gifts to each other this year were that there will be hope for good memories in the future. It's kind of all we can give each other now. Hopefully this is the darkest time of our life. I can't imagine anything worse, besides losing each other of course. So, for now and just for each other, we got a lotta love to give.