Tattoos

The tattoos are healing and I definitely feel a sense of peace from them. But they anger me too, and make me sad, from the pure fact that I have to have mine to feel the physical presence of my child. The only physical thing I have of him is his footprints. Well, we have his ashes as well, but I'm having issues emotionally being okay with them. 

As all tattoos have incredible meaning, here is mine explained:

What it is: Korbin's footprints from when he was born. As mentioned above, the only physical thing I feel I have of him. When first researching footprint tattoos, I initially felt wanting them was so cliche, they were everywhere on the Internet. Then I realized people like me get them for obvious reasons, when they're all you've got, of course you put them permanently on your body.

The inscription: 'Baby Love, My Baby Love' is from what I began singing to him when I was still pregnant, and what I imagined myself singing to him while dancing around the house after he was born. I looked up the words to the actual song; it's an awful song about an awful cheating man. But the words were different in my head; full of happiness and joy and love for my beautiful first boy. Below his footprints is his full name, because even if others don't want to hear it as they're afraid I'm too sad to speak of him, I have to say his name, as often as possible.

Placement: Initially, I wanted this over my heart, which, contrary to what many believe, is dead-center in your chest. Ryan and I said it to each other while I was still recovering in the hospital. We needed to have him as close to our hearts as possible. But, I don't like such in-your-face tattoos. They seem too sexual, especially on a girl. Just my personal opinion. So, to the left became perfect from when Korbin came to me in a dream. I held him oh so tight on my left shoulder and just cradled him, rocking side to side.

It's a big tattoo, and still very visible, which is very unlike me when t comes to tattoos. My others are all hidden and really just for me. But I can't keep Korbin hidden. I want the world to know my precious baby. There's a beautiful quote I found when researching tattoos: 'A tiny flower lent, not given, to bud on Earth and bloom in Heaven.' As beautiful as it is, it still breaks my heart. Especially today, my would-be due date. I've definitely checked out, even felt a bit delirious, and just gone through the motions of life with things like when it's time to eat and sleep. Just the basic, okay, it's time for this, but no further thought into it than that. I just miss my baby boy, the magic and wonder of becoming a parent, the excitement. It's days like today that are painful reminders that he really is gone, never to return to my aching arms.

I got a lotta love to give.