Checked out

As I enter this weekend, approaching Krbin's woud-be due date, I have been apprehensive about how I may feel. And also just completely unknowing. Thankfully, my boss has the compassion and understanding that this is a tough weekend for me, and hasn't expected me to work or push through. Today she asked if I had a headache seeing that I wore my glasses. All I could get out was that I haven't slept well this week. She stopped what she was doing and just gently squeezed my shoulder, saying, 'ya, I've been wondering how you're doing. And I've been thinking about you.' I almost broke right there, but somehow got through the work day. When I was leaving, she gave me a big hug, and said she'll be thinking of us. She kind of rushed back to work but for a split second I caught her eye and I think she was doing her best to not cry in front of me. Part of me still has this very rational thought that says, 'hey, this is ridiculous, you are okay, why are you so mopey. Snap out of it.' But my heart knows better than to listen to that. Of course I'm a wreck right now. As Cindee said today, 'baby steps, big hurdles.'
We got our tattoos today. And while there is some sort of peace and relief in that Korbin's permanently physically with me now, I don't know that I'm doing better. I kind of expected this overwhelming sense of peace, or closure. But really I've just checked out. Numb. And overwhelmingly emotionally drained.
Maybe as the tattoo heals physically, there will be some emotional healing as well. My heart is just so empty, and yet full, because I got a lotta love to give.