Bonds

The bond between mother and child that develops with pregnancy is unlike any I've ever experienced before. And something I can never give to Ryan or help him understand. He confessed that to me last night; that he doesn't know the bond I had with Korbin. It breaks my heart that I can't give that to him. It's ultimately why I feel so broken and defeated. I just wanted to give Ryan our son. I felt Korbin's movements, his kicks, and the magic of having him inside me. But Ryan didn't get to experience any of that. Which also likely contributes to how differently we are grieving.
This week I thought I was doing okay. But as we rapidly approach my should-have-been due date, it's as if the flood gates have opened once more. Fresh pain, sorrow, and tears. It's really crazy how much I physically feel the loss of Korbin at times. What never changes, though, is the deep, dull ache within my heart. I actually wasn't sure I could get through work today without an emotional breakdown. Especially since last night I dreamed I was desperately calling out to Korbin. At first it was more like calling him inside from playing, but as time passed and he didn't show up, the calling out to him became more and more desperate. He never came to me. Not being able to call out his name, to talk to him, to say, 'I love you, Korbin' or, 'Korbin, come here,' and have him present to respond reduces me to tears even as I write this. We so carefully chose the perfect name for him and I imagined talking to him. Actually, I had already started talking to him, telling him good night, and that I loved him, all while rubbing my growing belly and feeling his kicks. Sometimes he even seemed to respond with a kick, like he acknowledged or heard me. I loved him so much. I still love him so much. I miss him, and I so wish he were here still.
Because I got a lotta love to give.