Calendar

The sight of the calendar at work breaks my heart each time I see it. September 16th read "Lisa's Due Date" until June 1st. In the lab, we all place bets on when someone who's pregnant will actually have their kid, and even the weight. I was so looking forward to seeing everyone put their guesses up, and finding out for myself when Korbin would arrive and how big he'd be. The excitement and wonder in all of that was just so suddenly stolen when he came too soon. I wish with all my heart he were still here. I can't even begin to describe how my heart aches for my family to be complete.
As this weekend passed, I was so checked out I don't think I cried once. It's bottling up inside of me, I can feel it welling up. But it's like this new, stoic part of me is trying to tell the rest of me, 'no, be strong, don't cry.' I'm not even sure I'm okay with this side that's surfacing. What Ido know is that it hurts to see September 16th and no longer have it say 'Baby Love Due' as our home calendar once read. Instead it's scribbled out completely.
This is one of those times when I wonder if I still got a lotta love to give.