The other day my boss and I had a discussion about how our scientific minds seek to rationalize events, essentially battling our emotional side.
What I didn't say aloud was that my mind has gone through the rationalizing of Korbin's death. And I feel ashamed to admit that, as well as guilty that the thoughts even crossed my mind. Thoughts such as, "well, at least we don't have to worry about daycare," or, "at least we can still do whatever we want without worrying about a baby." But immediately after those thoughts my emotional side takes control, flooding me with guilt, as there is no good reason for Korbin to have passed. Besides, I so wish I could have those worries; day care, doctors visits and vaccines, or even sleepless nights. Deep down, I don't really think the rational thoughts, I can't. But my mind can't help trying to make sense of what happened.
A friend commented on the amount of guilt I carry with me. I hadn't noticed how much guilt I'd been feeling, I just knew it was naturally there. But there is guilt associated with every single aspect of Korbin's passing, and each day I wake up and have to face reality. Guilt because I should have known what to do, should have been able to save him, didn't cry or think about him enough one day. So much guilt. But only because I feel so much love for him still.
I just hope I can squeeze in some love for our future children, because I got a lotta love to give.
What I didn't say aloud was that my mind has gone through the rationalizing of Korbin's death. And I feel ashamed to admit that, as well as guilty that the thoughts even crossed my mind. Thoughts such as, "well, at least we don't have to worry about daycare," or, "at least we can still do whatever we want without worrying about a baby." But immediately after those thoughts my emotional side takes control, flooding me with guilt, as there is no good reason for Korbin to have passed. Besides, I so wish I could have those worries; day care, doctors visits and vaccines, or even sleepless nights. Deep down, I don't really think the rational thoughts, I can't. But my mind can't help trying to make sense of what happened.
A friend commented on the amount of guilt I carry with me. I hadn't noticed how much guilt I'd been feeling, I just knew it was naturally there. But there is guilt associated with every single aspect of Korbin's passing, and each day I wake up and have to face reality. Guilt because I should have known what to do, should have been able to save him, didn't cry or think about him enough one day. So much guilt. But only because I feel so much love for him still.
I just hope I can squeeze in some love for our future children, because I got a lotta love to give.
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