Nightmares

I'm definitely not normally up this early on a Saturday morning, but I can't go back to sleep after the awful nightmare I just woke up from.
I had been having a strange dream involving travel and work, but suddenly it switched to me going home and Ryan wasn't there. I was so alone, and just hunched forward in defeat, because he had died and I was now a widow. Normally in dreams (that turn to nightmares like this) my mind can actually rationalize the situation and tell myself it's not true, Ryan's fine, and he'll suddenly appear and I'll be fine. Not this time. I had started a letter to my step mom's cousin in Virginia who is a widow as I needed someone to talk to about my pain.
And then I wrenched myself from sleep, my heart aching so badly I thought I was going to puke. My hand reached out for my cell phone, and even though it was blinding me the screen was so bright I began texting Ryan. I had to know he got to work fine, and tell him I love him.
He's fine at work, thankfully. And now I'm trying to calm myself down on the couch with the Christmas tree lights on and the puppy dogs laying out in front of me.
This is my new normal. Anxiety in thinking, hoping and praying Ryan is alive and well every moment we're apart. Struggling with the fine line between trusting he's fine and being a paranoid and clingy wife who can't leave his side. Which is seriously an extremely fine line on which I teeter now. I know that of course he doesn't want or need the second option. That can only push him away. But it drives me crazy sometimes knowing everything is out of my control once he steps out the door and we're not physically together for that time.
It's incredible how similar the aching heart pain is. In losing Korbin and just thinking I've lost Ryan. My poor heart can't bear any more loss, especially not right now. Because I still got a lotta to give.