Seeing Viv

I have been thinking about Korbin's 'due date buddy' (as my friend calls Korbin, which I absolutely love) since she was born. A beautiful girl named Vivica who made her family wait and wait and wait for her. Before she was due to arrive I thought I would be strong enough to meet her and hold her, and welcome her to life. But her arrival came and went with my heart still so broken the thought of holding her would still bring me to tears.
As a month passed, I thought, okay. Maybe I am ready now. My heart would soar momentarily thinking about seeing her, seeing Di again. And then, just as suddenly as the thought occurred to me, my heart would break all over again and I'd be left overcome with intense grief. I can't, I just can't. But I so want to.
It's just so hard to think that she's here when Korbin's not. They were growing together in a way, and then suddenly separated. It became a painful reminder of what my heart wants so badly; to hold Korbin and love and cherish him here.
Of course this all has made me feel like a bad friend. Especially after hearing how others in support group held their friends' newborns when they arrived. I admire them and the strength it took to push down their pain to allow someone else's joy in for a moment. But I'm just not ready emotionally.
Ry asked me not too long ago if we just have to do it. Go see the babies no matter how difficult and painful it is. If we need to just push ourselves, because really, we'll never be 'ready'. Then Di said she thinks of Korbin as a guardian angel to Viv, and I think that's what finally gave me the strength I needed. It was as if Korbin was giving me strength because I knew his presence is felt in their home too. I was so moved by her telling me this that I finally knew exactly what I wanted to get for Viv. I'd been trying to decide for so long. So, I found a blanket randomly that says 'love' and sewed on a patch that is a K with angel wings. The blanket was seriously randomly placed with no others like it available; it was meant to be. The patch is so that Viv can have that physical feeling of Korbin watching over her, hopefully protecting her. I had originally been thinking a onesie, but she'd grow out of that soon and it's purpose would be lost. A blanket isn't outgrown.
We stopped by yesterday. I was a little nervous about how I'd feel, expecting to not be able to stay long. And so it surprised me that I really wanted to hold Viv. I honestly didn't think I could, but then I didn't want to let go of her either. She smiled and talked to me. And I even rocked her to sleep with my bouncy dance. I was okay. It is so good to know now that it really isn't so painful to see her. And it reminded me of something a mom said at support group. When a lot of us moms feel that holding a baby instead of our own cherished baby angel is cheating, this other baby isn't my baby. They can never replace that feeling of holding your own child. And I get that now.
I still have mixed thoughts and feelings about the Cuddle Babies volunteering, about holding babies I do not know, but I'm so glad seeing Viv wasn't as painful or difficult as I had anticipated. Because I seriously missed Di, and I got a lotta love to give.

Edit: Vivian is actually Vivica!