Anxiety

Today was a holiday gathering with some girlfriends to bake and decorate cookies, and do a gift exchange. Just thinking about being there gave me major anxiety because a pregnant friend was going to be there. We're all supposed to bake our favorite cookies together but the idea of being stuck there waiting for the oven, and the logistics of baking with six other girls and only two ovens, gave me major anxiety too.
I almost didn't go, but decided last minute to at least show up for a bit. I honestly was dreading seeing this friend, who got pregnant in September and is due in June. It makes me angry, her being pregnant and the timing of it all, and my anxiety is really from not wanting to be around happy gushing pregnant people or hearing any sort of pregnancy related questions. (Again, I realize that my pain has no bearing on any other person's life and their family building, it is just so in-my-face unfair.) This anxiety has twisted my emotions to feeling so angry about her being due in June because I'm afraid she'll have her baby on June 1st. All I can think is that if that happens, how dare she. How dare she take away Korbin's day, his day to be remembered and celebrated. Who will remember him when there's a living child to celebrate? Ry and me and our families of course, but others most likely not. And really, how likely is that? Any of it? It's all just negative made-up nothing's that spiral out of control in my head.
It was so awkward when she was there today. I couldn't wait to leave, so I could try and relax. To let the anxiety go. I didn't want a hug. I didn't feel excited about seeing an old friend. Still very much so jealous. And no, I am not okay with that. It sucks feeling this way. I don't want to feel so protective of a single day. To hide from happy people. Not feeling happy or excited for my friends. Because it's all because my baby died. And that's really what I'm not okay with.
I really pushed myself out of my shell today, and it was exhausting. But what I didn't expect was for one of my close girl friends, who so far has not seemed to understand where I am coming from with anything, to completely understand my wanting to leave early. Without having to explain a thing. I didn't realize how much I needed that from her too. Seriously. It so warmed my heart. And it helped me get through the most difficult part of my day today. Despite how difficult many things in life still are for me, I know that eventually I'll be able to show everyone and anyone around me that I got a lotta love to give.