Family Photo

Tonight we had dinner at my dad's to celebrate his birthday. During this time of year my family also really enjoys decorating their huge tree together. This year though, I think I've spent all my energy at home, and so I could barely focus enough to get a few ornaments up at my dad's. I do try to participate in life still as sometimes I'm more okay than I think is possible. But today I found myself on the brink of breaking down completely and it was so difficult to hold myself together.
My sister messaged Ryan to ask us to dress festive tonight for a family photo for Christmas (most likely their Christmas card to send out). When Ryan told me this my heart just broke. Our family is incomplete now. A hole that can never be completely filled. Why can't my baby be here for my family photo? and what do Ryan and I do now to represent our family? Korbin is and always will be a part of our family, so how do we show that to others when he's not here to be in a Christmas card picture? The sudden intense feeling of emptiness from these thoughts and questions nearly brought me to tears.
But, somehow, I mustered up every last ounce of energy I could, put on my 'festive' attire, and smiled my biggest for the picture. It's exhausting, and it so drains me to keep going. Sometimes I just want to give up, to throw my hands up in the air and scream, wishing it were all over now.
It's especially hard to watch my youngest sister with my nephew right now. I love him and he's adorable and growing and learning and it's beautiful to watch. But it makes me yearn for that for myself and for Korbin even more. He is supposed to be in my arms, seeing all the bright lights for his first Christmas, nearing three months old. It's supposed to be Korbin's first Christmas too. It makes my arms ache for him so so much.
As Christmas draws closer it seems to keep hitting harder how much I miss my baby. And it intensifies my bitterness towards reality. It's a very defeated feeling. I'm definitely struggling at the moment, especially after the incredibly heart wrenching and awful dream I had the other night. I'm shaken, and feeling much more anxious about even the smallest things. But I do still have Ryan, and I just cling to that. Even if it means becoming the paranoid wife. Because I got a lotta love to give.