Bad day

As I wondered what I wanted to delve into tonight after support group (so so many areas of grief are discussed, frustrations aired, and tears cried) but all I can think about is how work today left me feeling down in the dumps.
First of all, my cousin had her baby two days ago. Naturally, her child is perfectly healthy and alive and well. Jealous, yes. Bitter, heck yes. Happy for her, ummmm, no. Then this morning an email announced a coworker's baby's arrival on the night before. More jealous, yup. Extra bitter, yup, you betcha. Happy for her, hell no. Later that day a patient was discussed who found out one of her twins at 29 weeks gestation is now being diagnosed with a type of dwarfism. Everyone was saying how that's so sad for her. But all I could think was, really? You're so sad but your baby is still alive? At least your baby isn't dead! I would love the heck out of that baby, little person or not. And later this afternoon pictures of above mentioned coworker's baby were emailed along with his name and stats, and then another patient's happy baby arrival email went out. It. Would. Not. Stop. And to top it all off, a coworker told some of us she can't drink like she used to because, you know, she's got a baby at home, so life is different now. Boo-fucking-hoo.
The holidays are making me feel extra empty, and therefore even more bitter and snappy. And then I have to be surrounded by this happy baby crap nonstop today. It really drove me crazy, and I almost reached a breaking point from it all. I almost had to just walk away from work and just leave. It's exhausting to live through days like today, to be functional at a level that those around me are at. And I think it's unfair to Ryan because sometimes I just don't have the energy to be okay with him. And he's the most important person for me to be okay around. We need each other more than anybody else or anything else right now. So I need to remember that, even if it's only for Ryan and Korbin at times, I got a lotta love to give.