Halloween

Halloween has long been my favorite holiday for decorating the house and getting dressed up (in costumes of course). I love zombies and witches and bats and lots of candles, carving pumpkins, and handing out candy to the trick-or-treaters.
This year I really out did myself (though still nothing crazy huge). I think it was mostly to keep myself focused on something I enjoy about this time of year instead of the nagging heaviness in my heart that is Korbin's absence.
I picked out our costumes, for our whole little family, when Ry and I were only just trying to get pregnant. It was only too perfect that we were having a boy, Korbin, as I wanted us to be Morticia, Gomez and Pubert Addams from the Addams' Family Values movie. As October started, I was reminded of how this was not going to happen, reminding me of just how broken my heart still is.
So what do I for now then? What's the point? As I told Ry when he expressed that it doesn't matter to him, the decorations and pumpkin carving and whatnot, I told him I have to have some sort of purpose right now. And doing all these artsy crafty things for the time of year is the only purpose I'm finding right now. I used to do it to start traditions for my new family.
Despite all my attempts, it's all empty. There are no children to do it for. And that's how all of the holidays will be this year. Empty, no matter how hard I try to keep busy. And tonight is no exception as I sit here alone watching scary movies while Ry is away for work and Korbin's gone forever, and only two trick-or-treaters total.
I don't know how to survive the holidays without Korbin, with the aching emptiness that's filled me now. He would have been the cutest stinkin' Pubert Addams, with the little mustache and mini tux. So freakin' adorable. But I have to keep doing and going, because I got a lotta love to give.