More dreams

Last night I dreamed of Korbin, the second dream I've had of him now since we lost him.
It was peaceful, just a day in the life with my baby boy. He was walking now, and nothing else mattered in the world. I had left the car unlocked and the doors were open, but Korbin was safe with me and I was happy. We were a family.
I try to imagine him all the time. What would we be doing now? I know what he looks like, but how would he grow? Would he be a full sized baby now? Or still small and struggling for life like so many premies do for the first year of life.
As I travel down that road of questions, I realize what a scary thought process it is. It's like I didn't have him, because there aren't any memories or knowledge of how he would have grown or looked now. How his development would be. There is so much I didn't get with him. That I'll never get.
It scares me to wonder because I did have him. He did happen, just not how I had hoped and dreamed. He should still be here, taking up every minute of my day so I'm exhausted each night. And yet I have to realize, however painful it is, that he's not here. He'll never be here. But, because of him, I got a lotta love to give.