I haven't been back yet. All the kids were so excited for me to have my baby. It's like I failed them. That's kind of a twisted part of my grieving, the feeling that I failed in the eyes of everyone around me.
Today Ryan and I went for a jog at the track by our house and, sure enough, all the kids were there with Miss Cheryl. I stopped to say hello, and immediately they all asked where my baby was. One boy, Justin, hugged me and patted my stomach, asking if my baby was still in there. Miss Cheryl tried to just quiet them but I asked if it was okay to tell them. She said of course, and so I told all these amazing kids that he didn't make it, he just came too soon and his lungs weren't ready yet. The kids were all so shocked, but then Miss Cheryl said he's in a better place. Another girl said with a smile, 'Heaven!' Then, and I absolutely LOVED this, another girl asked, 'what did you name him?' I could do nothing but smile. When so many around us assume you don't name a child you've lost, a young girl didn't think twice that we hadn't named Korbin. This seriously warmed my heart and I can't even express how much I appreciated this from these kids, most younger than 10years old. I showed them all my tattoo of Korbin's footprints and they were so amazed by them.
Earlier today I showed the tattoo to a coworker, and she reached out and touched one of the footprints gently with just the tip of her finger. That moment was incredible. I put my hand over them all the time as it's the only way I can feel I'm holding my baby. For Julie to reach out the way she did, it just meant so much that she felt the need to connect with Korbin too. No one else has done that, and it never occurred to me that I would actually appreciate the gesture so much.
As for the kids, I'm still unsure about going back. There's a stronger pull today after seeing them and getting past the fear of how they will react to me. But a piece of me died when Korbin died, leaving me a bit lost, and so I'm still struggling with finding what keeps me going each day.
Whether I go back to volunteering or not, I got a lotta love to give.
Today Ryan and I went for a jog at the track by our house and, sure enough, all the kids were there with Miss Cheryl. I stopped to say hello, and immediately they all asked where my baby was. One boy, Justin, hugged me and patted my stomach, asking if my baby was still in there. Miss Cheryl tried to just quiet them but I asked if it was okay to tell them. She said of course, and so I told all these amazing kids that he didn't make it, he just came too soon and his lungs weren't ready yet. The kids were all so shocked, but then Miss Cheryl said he's in a better place. Another girl said with a smile, 'Heaven!' Then, and I absolutely LOVED this, another girl asked, 'what did you name him?' I could do nothing but smile. When so many around us assume you don't name a child you've lost, a young girl didn't think twice that we hadn't named Korbin. This seriously warmed my heart and I can't even express how much I appreciated this from these kids, most younger than 10years old. I showed them all my tattoo of Korbin's footprints and they were so amazed by them.
Earlier today I showed the tattoo to a coworker, and she reached out and touched one of the footprints gently with just the tip of her finger. That moment was incredible. I put my hand over them all the time as it's the only way I can feel I'm holding my baby. For Julie to reach out the way she did, it just meant so much that she felt the need to connect with Korbin too. No one else has done that, and it never occurred to me that I would actually appreciate the gesture so much.
As for the kids, I'm still unsure about going back. There's a stronger pull today after seeing them and getting past the fear of how they will react to me. But a piece of me died when Korbin died, leaving me a bit lost, and so I'm still struggling with finding what keeps me going each day.
Whether I go back to volunteering or not, I got a lotta love to give.
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