Since losing Korbin I haven't held or even let myself get too close to my adorable nephew, Noah. This made me feel like an awful aunt at first, but my family quickly assured me he's too young to know or understand any of that. He is just a baby still, not even a year old.
Tonight I pushed myself just a titch and asked to hold him. It was quick, he's quite the mama's boy. But I was surprised at how much my heart didn't hurt. This whole time I've been guarding my heart, thinking holding other babies will make me wish I were holding Korbin, make me ache for him. But I always wish I were holding Korbin. That's always there, no matter if there's another baby present or I'm alone and on Pinterest. I just miss him.
What also surprised me was how much it warmed my heart to have some contact with Noah. Now, I'm not saying holding him and playing with him made me miss Korbin less, or even eased the pain I feel 24/7. But rather, there is a part of me that is still separate from Korbin. Maybe the part of my heart that's reserved for future kids? Family and friends? Although I am all consumed by the pain I feel from Korbin's loss, I still have Ryan, family, friends, that I love and enjoy. Maybe this is the next step, coming down from the bitter anger and jealousy and being able to open up other parts of my heart to love others like I did before.
The hole will always be there, but I still have the rest of my heart full of love, and I got a lotta love to give.
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