Pain can be a very selfish type of feeling. It's really difficult to explain, but I'll do my best.
Basically, I keep myself in a non-baby and non-pregnancy bubble right now. The closest I get to these two things is at work where I do transfers and tell patients I'll be looking for their positive pregnancy test in 10-12 days. After bitterly forcing the words out of my mouth for the past few months, I think I may actually finally mean it. I even touched a patient's arm and smiled a real smile the last time. Progress.
But that's pretty much the most you'll get out of me. At the mention of someone I know being pregnant or actually having a baby, I tense up. A flash of bitterness, jealousy, and then pain like a stab in the heart and punch to my stomach. My immediate thoughts are: Your baby could die. Did I really have to hear about someone else's joy? Did you really just tell me that? How could you think I want to hear about someone else's perfect life when mine still feels so broken?
I blame the happy person, and even the messenger, wondering how they could be so unfeeling and forgetful of my loss, my pain. And that's when I feel selfish. Really, everyone around me has the right to keep living their own lives. The world doesn't revolve around me and my broken heart. And I can't ask people to not be happy building their own families just because mine's been ripped apart already. But when can I be happy for them? With every person I hear about, I pause a moment, waiting to feel a twinge of excitement for them. But still, just the opposite.
And then I start to think about the statistics. There are six infant deaths for every 1000 births, more boys than girls. So the odds of me already knowing someone who will lose their child after birth is super slim. (I don't even have that many facebook friends, family members and coworkers combined.) And that feels so unfair. Because it doesn't happen often enough (please don't think I'm saying it should happen to more people), infant death is little recognized as something to mourn or even worry about. Especially in American culture. I already feel like I get the 'you're not over that yet?' looks when I mention Korbin to certain people. Nope, not over him. And I never will be. Even the women who were told to forget the child they lost because they can just have another don't ever forget.
A dear friend told she doesn't think this is being selfish. Maybe she's right. Maybe I'm just being hyper-aware of everyone else's situations around me, hyper-sensitive to anything pregnancy and baby related and how it affects my heart, and hyper-protective of Korbin and the amazing little life he had with us. Maybe I just need more time in my grief process.
Whatever it is, I got a lotta love to give.
I think you explained this very well, and there is so much truth in everything you wrote. Yes, the world does not revolve around you and your broken heart, but your life is your world and your heart is broken and I think it's fair and ok that you are grieving and figuring out when and how you will be happy again. I sincerely believe you will be happy again someday, and that doesn't mean not loving, caring or remembering Korbin. That's a given. I believe in my heart of hearts that he wants you and Ryan (and his future sibling(s)) to have lives overflowing with joy, love and laughter ... just like you hoped and wished for him. P.S ... I removed the word STILL from my second sentence, because STILL implies a "set" time to me (or something that will eventually come to an end) and I don't think there is a time that you will stop remembering, feeling, or missing your son)... so I promise I will never use the words "still" when talking about how you're feeling about your loss and experience.
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