Pictures

Today was a bad day (and thanks to some Facebook updates from others my heart just broke some more). And this after feeling so much stronger yesterday.
I woke up fine, just another day getting ready for work, no big deal. But for some reason I completely broke at work. I mean, my mind was just going over all the random projects I've stacked up for myself when suddenly I thought of the scrapbook I'm putting together for Korbin. It was supposed to be his baby book, but now it's just my pregnancy and the few pictures we have of him. And that thought, that we have only but a few precious pictures of him, brought me to sobbing tears for about an hour. Thankfully I was alone and could just let it out, because really as much as I tried I couldn't stop the tears. I just kept thinking, 'why didn't we get the professional photos? Why, why, why?' I will always regret that. Always. The other moms in support have these adorable photos of themselves cradling their babies, their babies feet, little poses wrapped in blankets with a hat on. We just have the couple my sister took and the couple the nurse took for us.
There are so many things to mourn in losing Korbin. His loss, the loss of who I was, all the way down to little things you don't even think of in the moment. Like pictures. I mean, who sits back and thinks logically about how they want to remember the day their baby died? Nobody. You really just have to rely on the encouragement of the hospital you are at. I'm glad we got any at all, but it just isn't enough. Just like it isn't enough that we held him for two hours. None of it will ever be enough, but somehow I have to make peace with it all. It may not by this week, this month, or even this year. But someday I will hopefully feel a sense of peace as I think of Korbin.
What doesn't help today is finding out a friend due in June is getting the boy she wants. I just think to myself, 'of course she gets her boy. Everyone around me gets to see and hold their babies and take them home.' But not me. I had to hold him and then say goodbye. Something no one should ever have to do, ever.
It's days like today, when my heart seems to break harder than I think it could, that I just miss Korbin so much. And I even kind of wish I could wake up from my nightmare, like a part of me still hasn't accepted what is my reality now. Because I just want to hold and love and raise my child. It's crazy how much my entire being can ache for his presence in my life, and in Ryan's life too.
I got a lotta love to give.