Lighter

As the holidays came and passed, a very deep and personal struggle presented itself that I haven't ever had to deal with before. Something I haven't mentioned to anyone fully until support group tonight. Part of me has been afraid to admit what I'm about to blog about, especially knowing many who follow my blog are religious like me. It has been especially difficult for me as I am religious myself.
It didn't hit me till Christmas Eve when we met Ryan's mom for church. I was getting anxiety just driving there, and didn't want to be there the entire time. but the sermon was for me it seemed. the pastor talked about how, no matter where you are in life, whether you're praying and relying on God or feel He's not there for you right now, He is there, and He'll be there no matter what. I realized I hadn't prayed for a while, at least a few weeks. I thought about how I need to pray, but then immediately thought, 'screw that, where has that gotten me? What has praying done for Korbin?' Wow, am I angry with God now. I mean, I have prayed every night ever since I can remember, and now it feels like He has just turned his back on me, and Ryan too. I mean, how can such a loving God, one who loves children so much, allow a homeless crack head to have a healthy child without ever realizing they're pregnant but my baby had to die? I was paranoid about my vitamins and eating all organic and no plastic anything. I did everything right. And still Korbin died. I prayed for God to allow us to have a child, for a boy, for a healthy boy. I thanked God every day I was pregnant for such a beautiful blessing. And still He took Korbin away from us. And you know what I have to say to Him today? Fuck you, God.
And I didn't even really think that until I was driving to support group wondering if I could finally talk about all this. Holding it in, internalizing this, has become such a heavy burden the past couple of weeks. I've needed to say it, but I didn't want my sister or my dad to think less of me reading this. I didn't want Ry to see me break like this either, to see a possible dip in my faith (I cling to 1 Corinthians 7:14...). So I thought the only place I could share my anger with God was at group tonight. What struck me there, though, was how well received my feelings were, even by the very religious couple who just started with our group last month. It helped me to see that I can't worry about how others will react to my pain. It's mine alone to bear. And how I deal with it has nothing to do with anyone else either. (Okay, maybe there are some limits, like being suicidal or becoming an alcoholic. I would hope those around me would save me from such self-destructive behaviors.) It is amazing the weight that has been lifted from my shoulders in admitting all of this.
Despite my anger with God right now, my beliefs haven't really changed. I still believe in him, in Jesus as my savior, that there is a Heaven and that Korbin's soul is there waiting for us. But I do grapple with now wondering whether I believe Korbin's in Heaven because I truly believe that, or do I believe that because I can't stand to think of it any other way. I mean, I have to keep believing it so I can see him again in Heaven some day. But then, am I obligating myself to believe this just to placate myself? I don't want to think his soul is elsewhere, or just nowhere. But then do I truly believe it all? Honestly, I don't even want to go there. I'm not ready for psychology or philosophy.
All I know for sure right now is that, even through my anger at God, I got a lotta love to give.