Accidents

We bought a car Wednesday night after spending four hours at a Honda dealership. Ryan's been looking at getting a weekend car for when he needs to go to work and I need a car too. He's also wanted to learn how to track a car. But, there are a lot of cars that fit in the price range he was comfortable buying in. So, what finally got him to make up his mind was the mini not wanting to start at all for a good ten minutes last Sunday morning. Then he found the perfect one: a beautiful Honda S2000, only 30k miles on it since it was built in 2005, and it came with a hard top (rare to find and expensive to add).
He test drove it, and I felt like he was actually pretty excited about it (it's still hard to feel excited about things these days). I think he was even excited for me to ride in it for the first time last night. Until the back end suddenly swung out, he tried to correct, but nothing would work and we slammed into the barrier twice the airbags popped and the car swung back around and came to a sudden stop. What the fuck just happened? I kept looking at Ryan saying, 'I'm okay. Are you okay? We're okay. I'm okay. We're okay. Are you okay? It's okay....' Over and over and over again. Then the smoke from the airbags deploying made it hard to breathe so I opened my door, but Ry's wouldn't open. He called 911 and had me call AAA.
Everyone was so nice, even the state trooper who filled out the accident report. A similar accident had just happened on the opposite side of the freeway. Even though we're fine, and we're thankful we walked away with barely a bruise each, it makes me sick to my stomach it happened.
First off, I don't want Ry to feel like he did something wrong, but I think he does because he said he's so sorry he put us in danger like that. But he can't do that. We were going straight on a straight road, and he was going the speed limit. He did nothing wrong.
Second, my heart just hurts for him. I mean, we're really trying to just do the things we always talk about doing but never do because everything is so expensive. Who cares. You only live once and life is short. If we can afford the snowboarding gear and lift tickets, go snow boarding. Go to Australia. Buy the car that is perfect for the track and completely unmolested. Until now. He was finally excited and happy about something, and it was taken away almost immediately. He said to me while we were waiting for the tow truck, 'this was supposed to be a good year.' Already it's starting out shitty.
And third, I almost blame myself. If I hadn't needed a ride after happy hour with my coworkers, maybe it never would have happened. Or if he had come to Seattle to pick me up instead. But I can't do that either. We can't blame ourselves, it only makes things worse.
Thankfully, Ryan has been a real trooper. He, at least outwardly, says things like, 'well, at least I won't be afraid of this happening on the track now, I broke it in.' And, 'if it's totaled we got it for less than what it's worth. I'd definitely get another one.' I'm glad he can try to be so positive about it. I mean, despite the car being nearly totaled, I only bit my tongue and Ry's neck is sore. We were enveloped by a strong vehicle that thankfully crashes well. But that doesn't make it suck any less. I just want the car to be fixable so that he can be happy and excited again. Planning track days and learning how to drive his new car. I just want to see him happy. That's all I care about and, even though this is just a car, things feel somber again.
And I hate how much the few seconds of experiencing the accident keep replaying in my head. It seriously makes me want to puke. This reminded me of a quote I just read from a woman who lost her child. Basically, some of the worst memories are the ones you never want to forget. Like having Korbin too soon. As much as I wish he were fine and with us, I cling to those memories of seeing him for the first time, hearing him struggle for breathe and holding him, touching his tiny nose over and over again, because they are all I've got of him now. Yet this accident, I would erase that memory in a heart beat if I could.
I guess that's why they're called accidents, Ry wasn't aiming to crash the car the first day he had it. For whatever freaky reason, it just happened. I had honestly been feeling this week that things were looking up in life. That, ya, this year really is going to be a good year. Maybe there is some hope inside me yet. And then this happens. I just want to see Ry happy with life, because then I feel like my job as wife is complete.
I got a lotta love to give.