Elevators

Riding the elevators down to my car after work has not been pleasant these past six months. I swear, my first month back at work, a very happily huge pregnant lady would get on and stand right next to me. So. Not. Fair. And a total slap in the face each time.
Thankfully, as I've passed the I'm-supposed-to-be-pregnant-still time, elevator rides aren't quite so emotionally difficult any longer. Except when there's a newborn going with mom to her post-pregnancy/delivery check-up. This isn't too often, in fact I've only dealt with it a few times. But today's incident really struck me as odd. This particular newborn became fussy. I got off the elevator. End of story. Or so I thought. As I was driving away from the building I realized my chest (my breasts really) were aching something awful.
That may have been TMI, but this struck me as odd because my milk never came in after I had Korbin. I know that a fussy/crying baby can spur milk production, but really only when one is actually lactating. Right? Who knows. I guess it didn't go any further than the aching sensation. But this is something that emotionally has seriously pissed me off since June 1st. I mean, I was prepared repeatedly by my doctor and the nurses for my milk to come in, warned of how distraught I may feel when it does. But nobody warns you about how you'll feel if it doesn't happen. And it's honestly one of those why questions that is still too painful to ask.
I think most moms who've lost their babies are thinking, 'well, lucky you to not have to deal with that.' There are chapters about it in self-help books for bereaved parents. Lucky? Not at all. It really truly pissed me off. I mean, it was bad enough that my body betrayed Korbin and me by not lasting till he was full term. But then my body had to act like I was never pregnant to begin with.
I remember talking about this in my first night at support group. One mom actually couldn't get over the fact that my milk never came in. She said it had never occurred to her that could not happen, let alone how that would make her feel. So far I don't know any one else who has dealt with this. As if I don't feel alienated enough, this just takes it a step further.
It's makes me feel crazy sometimes to experience these physical responses. Physically it's what should be happening, and it's like my subconscious doesn't care that it's not supposed to happen in reality now. And just when I thought I was maybe okay with seeing a newborn, maybe taking the first step toward allowing even just a picture to be visible, something like this makes me feel as though I've just taken a step backward in my grief and healing process.
But I really am trying.
Because I got a lotta love to give.