Service

I can't even guess how many times we were asked if we were going to have a service for Korbin. Our immediate answer was no, we had him cremated. One day when we're ready we'll spread his ashes in a place we visit often and that is special to us. Private, just the two of us, and uninterrupted.
But really, why didn't we have a service for Korbin? He was born and lived a couple of hours, and then died. And when people die family and friends gather to mourn the loss and celebrate the life that was. I often wonder if some that I've had trouble with getting to understand who and where I am now would actually get it if we had. Would the impact of what Ryan and I, and even our families, went through sink in then? Would Korbin finally be recognized for the life he had then? It may have been cut short, but he did live.
Honestly, deep down I know why. You're not supposed to plan your baby's funeral, nobody should ever have to consider that. And I was in such shock when we lost him that really, I just needed someone else to plan it. The shock of losing him so quickly and suddenly was too much to be able to wrap my brain around dates and times and food and what church. How does anyone who has lost a loved one do it? I just couldn't. I was in this weird dream-like (nightmare really) state that felt so disconnected from reality. This just couldn't have actually happened. And that pain is so intense. It's not gone or lessened by any means. I've just learned how to lock it away because otherwise I am so easily consumed by it.
Life still feels incredibly unfair, and my heart is still heavy with guilt at times that we didn't do something more to celebrate the life that Korbin had. And then how do you recant memories of a life that was so short-lived? I can sense the immediate tension and sudden hush from everyone around me at the mere mention of being pregnant. Conversation hits a lull, and the topic is changed pretty quickly. And yet those are my memories, and really all I have. As one mom at support group pointed out, you can't say to someone, 'remember that one time at Grandma's?' We don't have that with Korbin.
I do wish we'd had a service, it's one of my many regrets in how we handled losing Korbin. But that doesn't mean there will never come a time to celebrate his life in the future. He has a birthday. June 1st will forever be Korbin's birthday to us (along with my step-dad, they share this special connection), and I want to celebrate it each year. Especially when we have more kids. They will know Korbin, and hopefully love him just like any other sibling.
Because we got a lotta love to give.