A Year Ago Today

I drove home from Overlake Hospital, exhausted from no sleep since 1am the day before. My baby sister had called then, saying this is it. She's in labor. She had asked for our sister Chelsea and myself to be present for the entire course of it, kind of like her labor cheer leaders. It was an amazing thing to watch and experience, and all while thinking, 'wow, I get to do this in 9 months.' Seriously amazing.
Nobody else knew, of course. We weren't telling anyone until we knew there was a heart beat, maybe even waiting till 12weeks just to be sure. So that made it especially exciting for me. I had never witnessed labor before, only heard the stories. We walked her around the hospital, rubbed her back, held her legs while she pushed. Talked her through the difficult decisions she had to start making, like whether or not to get an epidural, or to keep pushing and trying or just go straight to C-section. She knew what she wanted, and we didn't push her into anything, we just reinforced for her that she could make these decisions herself without worrying what others would think of her. She wanted an all-natural birth, but the pain did get to be too much for her, and she felt so defeated. But seeing how far she got, how far along she had progressed, I thought, 'I could do this, and maybe go all the way too.' Seeing her strength gave me strength.
If only, if only. It's bittersweet to remember this time. I had been feeling so jealous that, as soon as Ry and I had decided to pull the goalie and start trying, she found out she was pregnant. And then we just waited and waited and waited to finally be pregnant, and we still don't get to have Korbin with us. Totally not fair by any means.
But Noah is so adorable, and my first nephew. I became an aunt for the first time a year ago today. Something that really felt pretty special. Ryan's been an uncle since he was 10, and his family has never been close so it didn't seem to be a big deal for him. But I wanted to be the best aunt ever. I worry that I'm not that great, especially since there was a time when I couldn't even hold Noah after we lost Korbin. There's so much spoiling to do, and I couldn't do it.
Thankfully I'm not mad, or jealous, any more. I just wish we were sharing in the joy she gets to experience every day with Noah. It's hard to watch at times, and yet I am so drawn to being a part of his life. I want him to know me and call me Aunty Lisa when he starts to talk more. Through the pain in my heart there's still room for loving him.
So Happy First Birthday Noah.
I got a lotta love to give.