Energy

Today did feel different. The holidays were difficult for sure, even more than I had anticipated them to be. But today I felt lighter somehow, emotionally. In the daily work email I sent this morning I even started it with, 'Happy new year!' Exclamation point and all. I'm still just okay, but I think that renewed hope I was hoping for is kicking in.
Part of that is because I feel a step closer to trying again for baby número dos, even though we aren't actually going to for quite some time still. It just feels closer. It's already been seven months when I didn't think I could live a single day without Korbin. It sucks, but I don't really have a choice in the matter. And physically I know that I am that much closer to being fully healed, just a few more months to go to be sure. And emotionally I am starting to get that my heart is always heavy, but I can be okay still. I may not be jumping around excited about life, but I see that a new year brings new opportunities.
What I am still struggling with is my energy for life. It may be partly due to mild depression (not diagnosed but I'm still considering counseling) but I definitely have a lot of time in which I just don't have the energy. The energy to clean, to write a letter, to post on Facebook, do laundry, draw or paint, read, or even blog. The most energy-less thing I can do is have the TV on while I scroll through Pinterest. Or nap. I do a lot of napping now.
I never understood how people could do so little some days. I've always been a get-up-and-do-something-constantly type of person. Not able to sit still for more than a few minutes (which may be why I went into preterm labor, but we'll never really know). Now, I can stare at the book that I've been trying to read for a while before giving up and just staring blankly at the TV, not really absorbing what's happening as it's just a distraction. And that's exhausting, oddly enough. But I get it now. Totally get it.
Ryan said, 'it happened and we can't do anything about it.' And I think that feeling of being so powerless plays a large role in my current blue state. With all the quotes out there about taking charge of your destiny, especially with a new year upon us, all I can think is 'what a load of crap.' Life just takes you along for the ride, even with the best laid plans. Because nothing goes according to plan. I'm definitely in a mixed up state now of possibly feeling some hope for the future and still being mopey and just okay. It's pretty twisted feeling actually. The oddest part about it is that I feel guilty for that possibility of feeling some hope, because I should be thinking about Korbin. But I should be doing a lot of things, like changing diapers and losing sleep from caring for Korbin in the middle of the night. Either way I spin it, I got a lotta love to give.