A Moment

The other day I had another one of my "moments" as I call them. I have them often still. One minute I'm fine, the next I'm in sudden uncontrollable tears, trying to make sure no one will catch me in such a vulnerable state. The trigger is different every time. A chart note for a patient, a comment from someone in the room, or an email from a coworker. It doesn't matter what the subject is, it could be anything.
This time the trigger was a young woman, probably my age, getting off the elevator onto the eleventh floor of the building I work in. This may seem completely innocent to, well, everyone, except that it's the floor my OB's office is on. I, of course, frequented this office for about six months last year. As this girl was getting off I sensed some sort of nervous excitement from her. She didn't look pregnant by any means, but I just felt like this was her first appointment. And suddenly I was remembering my first appointment with Dr. Pray. The nervousness, excitement. I wasn't scared as I'd already had an ultrasound showing the heartbeat. But that nervous excitement, I remember that. And as I thought about this young woman going in for her first appointment, all the memories of each and every appointment I had, every ultrasound, every emotional moment of seeing Korbin so healthy and perfect, it all came flooding back and I was in immediate tears. You don't just stop crying and look like nothing has happened when these moments creep up. I had to steal myself away for a few minutes to calm myself down before proceeding to meet with a coworker.
All this from watching someone get off the elevator. Something so completely innocent. And yet it all can connect to Korbin and my pregnancy. Everything can. Because I felt so deeply in love with bringing him into this world and becoming his mother. Even though he's no longer with, he's changed my world in ways I never knew possible. He's changed who I am inside and out. Some things for the better, such as how amazing it is to feel the depth of love for someone I hardly got to know.
And because of him, I got a lotta love to give.