Pushing Myself

I'm taking advantage of my new numb state by pushing myself to deal with the pregnancies I am so surrounded with. Coworkers, neighbors, TV shows and movies. I swear, everywhere I look and turn someone is pregnant or giving birth.
And yet, despite my numbness in emotion, there is still a pain my heart that is awakened momentarily at each new mention or sight of others' happiness. And then that dark part of me that wants to yell out, 'your baby actually could die, just FYI.' It's a bit crazy, but fleeting, thankfully.
Yet I still push myself through these brief moments. To be okay sitting next to the happily showing coworker who is now wearing scrubs to disguise her belly. To see a TV character's beautiful child born alive, and live. To hear about the old friend who's loving her pregnancy and gushing to everyone about every moment of it.
It all hurts still, even if only for a few seconds. I feel myself grimace slightly, or I look away completely and stop responding when someone talks about another's pregnancy. And yet I know I can't hide from pregnancy and babies for forever. But am I ready to be pushing myself so hard? I know there are baby showers coming up in the next few months. Can I shop for them in the baby section? Can I even go to a shower? I just don't know yet. I'm trying to be happy for others and not such a Debbie downer. But it's still difficult. And I wonder about timing and whether I should be fine with this now or if how I am still feeling is appropriate. When will I rise above it all? Be like the Phoenix, reborn from the ashes? When will that strength that comes from life's misadventures and hard lessons kick in?
I wish there was an actual answer, a timeline for all of this. But there isn't. I just have to let it be, and let whatever happens happen in due course.
I just want something to happen soon.
My heart is bursting, because I've got a love to give.