Thursday, February 7, 2013

Turning 30...and numb

My birthday was last weekend and we celebrated it, even though I didn't feel like jumping for joy at the thought of having a birthday to celebrate. I think some around me thought it was the whole turning 30 thing. Like all I'm thinking is, 'oh my god I'm getting old!' News flash: my joints have been creaking and 'bad' since middle school! And despite regular exercise I still have major issues with them. Getting 'old' is the least of my worries. Thankfully, I think some did understand my lack of feeling towards this new decade of life.
I received a beautiful card from a coworker/friend who is just so thoughtful, and always remembers Korbin. She hit the nail on the head. This is a milestone in my life I was supposed to celebrate with Korbin, but it's so lonely in that he isn't here. Yes, I'm surrounded by the love and support of family and friends. But not having Korbin here is still a very lonely thing to deal with.
I just didn't feel thrilled, let alone excited. Instead I just went through the motions. And as the day of festivities came and passed, I started to realize there's been a change in my emotional state that's been gradually building. I'm not crying every single day. Yes, I have my moments still. But it's not the continual heavy, heavy sobbing and pain in my heart. And on the flip side I'm not necessarily happy or looking forward to anything at the moment either. I'm just here.
I'm numb.
Last night I couldn't fall asleep wondering what was causing my numbness and lack of any emotion whatsoever. I honestly was thinking, what's wrong with me? And when will the guilt kick in? I mean, I haven't physically mourned the loss of Korbin quite so often lately, so that must mean I am forgetting about him and how awful is that? Thankfully I haven't forgotten him, and I know that throughout my entire being. And I won't forget him. And realizing that I don't feel guilty and that is okay was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. It was relieving to my soul.
So then, could I be...okay? Like really okay for the first time in a while? I have been singing and dancing here and there at work when a song I like comes on the radio. I am laughing a little more. I even whistled the other day. But, is that okay? Am I okay?
This is honestly such an odd transition from mentally, emotionally and physically mourning for so long. I don't know whether it's okay to feel this way or if I'm headed in a positive direction. It's just so odd.
Tonight at group one mom said her therapist told her the numb stage is a physical coping mechanism of sorts. Your body just needs a break. Totally makes sense. I mean, mourning is seriously exhausting business. Just getting through the day without a total breakdown can be exhausting, as well as the crying and heart pains. So it makes sense that my body needs a bit of a break from it all. And it is a natural stage in the grieving process.
I haven't forgotten Korbin, but my heart, mind and soul just need a break. Maybe to refuel, rethink, reenergize.
Because I got a lotta love to give.

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