A Remembrance

My stepmom called me today to say that Nanny's obituary is up on the funeral home website and that we should read it. Of course I wanted to read my grandma's obituary, but I didn't expect to have Korbin mentioned in it too. She had said to call her back when I got her message. But I just can't talk out loud about it. Maybe that's one of my protective mechanisms from emotion, or my way of controling what I actually feel. But then am I ignoring my emotions? I want to say something, the words and thoughts are in my mind, but saying them out loud hurts. And I think that makes me seem like I don't care, even though I do, just more than I can express.
Thankfully I can get the words out here. It means a lot to have Korbin mentioned in her obituary, to have him remembered. I've been so paranoid that no one will remember him, that he will only be thought of and loved and remembered by Ryan and me. I guess that's all that really counts, but it means so much to know that others do remember him. And yet his remembrance there was that he had died before she did. A great grandchild deceased before the great grandparent. That was like a fresh punch in the gut. I just can't win these emotional battles.
Sometimes I wonder about work and whether people there remember, or wonder about me and how I'm doing. I think some do in their own way, but the rest carry on. Which is fine, it just sucks because I'm not okay at times. I mean, I'm definitely back in an emotionally rough spot of life now, remembering Korbin and wishing him back to life again. I cried in the bathroom after rounds today, seeing the pregnant coworker yet again. I'm sure she doesn't know and that's why she always plops down next to me in rounds. Just seeing her today (even though thankfully I managed a seat that was not right next to her) brought back so much sadness I thought I was going to have a panic attack and hyperventilate about it all. Thankfully, the bathroom was completely empty for me to steal away and hide while I recovered myself enough to go back to work and act sing-songy and happy enough to get through the rest of the day.
I miss the numbness. But at the same time there was a forgetfulness about it that I really didn't like. The lack of feeling meant nothing had actually happened so I was happy and okay with life because I was naive about everything again. And that in a way was denying Korbin's existence, the exact opposite of what I want to do. I never want to forget him. And yet it hurts to remember him so much. Hopefully someday there will be peace in his memory. Maybe it hurts so much still because there is still so much love and hope for him that I haven't given up on yet.
I just got a lotta love to give.