Ready, Or Not

As of today I am physically released and okay to try again. Waiting the nine months really only means the incidence of miscarriage drops dramatically, not so much that my uterus can't handle the pregnancy. It's weird that it has been nine months already, I almost can't believe it. And only three more months until Korbin's birthday; even more odd.
And yet, I am so not ready emotionally. In fact, I am so thankful Ry has pushed waiting until Korbin's birthday to even just think about trying again. We're not only allowing ourselves proper time to heal and grieve, but it's also out of respect for Korbin and the memory he deserves for such a short time with us.
To try again is going to be, well, not so exciting like it was the first time around. I mean, for one, I know too much about fertility. With how long it took to conceive at 28, who knows how long it will take after 30. And if we hit that one-year-and-still-haven't-conceived point, I will most definitely feel let down by life on a whole new level.
And two, I am terrified. Of more loss, and heartbreak, and emotional issues. What if we just start having miscarriage after miscarriage? What if the egg Korbin came from was the one good egg and the rest have no real chance for whatever genetic reason? And what if I just keep miscarrying because of my c-section? What if our next child is stillborn just before the planned c-section? I just can't take any more heartbreak or devastation.
So then, can we be okay trying again? I see it causing issues in other couples I now know, especially as each month passes and the pregnancy tests just keep coming up negative. That causes stress and anxiety and removes any remaining fun there could have been in the whole process. And it's supposed to be fun, exciting and joyful. Maybe even hopeful. But just getting pregnant won't be enough any more. That naive hope and excitement has been taken away. All I see right now is fear, angst, and maybe even anger and guilt. Anger that Korbin should be around to help us welcome his sibling into the world. And guilt that I'll be thinking of him less as I switch my thoughts and heart to praying and hoping our next child survives long enough to come home. But is that even enough? There are still things like SIDS, car accidents, pools to drown in, even cancer to rip your child away from you. When do you feel at peace and rest easy that your child will be okay?
And how do we keep remembering Korbin when we try again?
So many questions, and things to hope and pray for and reflect upon.
All I know any more is that I still got a lotta love to give.