Reading

I'm trying to get back into reading, which I have always loved to do. Getting lost in a book sounds like such an amazing escape from my mind and the thoughts and feelings that pull me down. So I let myself do just that, only to feel lower than before after forcing myself to read through what one of the characters endured. (It's obviously going to be wherever I turn, so I might as well just face it head on, happy about it or not.) She lost her child, and then her husband, so quickly and so devastatingly I became a blubbery mess on the plane as I finally finished her part of the story.
Really, I just can't escape it. Even when the pregnant character actually suffers a loss, it still just hurts. I'm not relieved that someone is actually dealing openly in public with infant loss. I'm just heartbroken again. All the emotions come crashing back into me like the waves of a tsunami. No control or way to stop it in it's path, just devastation.
I can't stop thinking about this character and what she endeared. And how, despite her heart break in her multiple losses, she kept reminding herself to not look back. And maybe because of that I dreamed the other night that we had just lost Korbin and that I was desparately saying, 'just give me a baby.' Like that would solve my problem, occupy my mind, heart and body enough. Then, with a newborn placed into my aching arms, I still felt the weight of the loss. It didn't make anything better, or solve the problem. Korbin's still gone, and I just hurt.
I want to find my strength somehow. This character was reborn, like a pheonix, and so soon after the losses she suffered. I think I've mentioned it before, but I wonder when I'll feel that renewed strength in life, when I'll have my rebirth and come out stronger than before.
What if I have, but I'm just not recognizing it within myself? Today a conversation with one of my managers led to him telling me how strongly I've come back after going through such a stressful life situation last year. This has really struck me today as a brand new idea in my grief journey. Am I stronger than I realize? I mean, people tell me all the time that I'm strong, that they can't imagine having to go through what Ry and I have gone through. All I've wanted to say to them is, 'you're crazy, I'm weak as hell, can't you see that?'
But maybe I am strong. Even though at times I feel so broken, devastated, and broken-hearted, maybe there is a strength within me that is responsible for keeping me going. We don't move on, we just keep going. And hopefully that's enough, because I got a lotta love to give.