Now I wonder how much we'll share next time around. We did wait to tell most people until we hit the so-called safe zone of 12+weeks. We'd passed the miscarriage zone, so we were totally having this baby with no chance of loss, right?
Naive. Soooo naive.
I think I'd still tell immediate family and a few close friends, and a few coworkers. But do I just stop posting on Facebook? Do I ignore it when I blog? Is that then denying that new baby's existence in the world? Is it unfair to have shared Korbin so much and then refrain from doing so with future little ones?
I guess only time will tell. And who knows how we'll feel next time around. I do hope we can feel some excitement, because I do remember it. The happiness. Such pure joy. A part of me knows we'll never feel so much joy or happiness like that again, which hurts down to the core of my being because that feeling should never be ripped from anyone. At any point in time. You do recover over time, though. But never 100%. I think because we are so naive until it's all ripped away. Reality isn't quite so joyful or exciting after that because you know a deeper truth now. And it still sucks, understanding that harsher side of reality that most are so lucky to never know....
Regardless of how much it sucks, there will be future babies who will hopefully bring a renewed sense of hope and joy and excitement, no matter how great or small. Because I got a lotta love to give.
You will go into your next pregnancy with eyes wide open, knowing full well that the very worst can happen. But feeling cautious, anxious, carefully suppressing your excitement . . . these protective emotions do not prevent the worst from happening. And they don't make loss any less painful. So . . .when you are pregnant again, I hope you will embrace it, as the new Lisa you are this time around. It will be a different joy, a different hope than what you felt with Korbin. The baby that is sharing your body needs to feel this too, that it is loved and expected with joy. And I know you plan to raise your next child to know about Korbin, how special he is, how much he still and will always mean to you and Ryan. And I think that's beautiful.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Anna! I needed to hear that.
DeleteSometimes I think I'm going a little crazy with so many questions, and even just because of the things I wonder about. Like maybe it's weird to wonder those things. But you're so right, the next Baby Love will need to feel just as much love and joy as Korbin felt. I really needed that reminder.
I think you need to give yourself permission to do what feels right. My mom really pushed me to not tell because she lost her first at around 15-20 weeks and it was extra hard because everyone knew.
DeleteI found that I wished I'd told more people. With my first positive, it quickly became a negative, and I didn't have anyone to cry to because I hadn't told. With Tazio, I was so sick and didn't want to tell anyone I was sick because I didn't want them to guess. If I'd lost that pregnancy, everyone would have known, since I would have been a mess. If I had followed my heart, I would have told everyone I wanted to cry to if something awful happened.
If I have another, I will probably tell sooner than I did before. I need the support, no matter how things go.
As to trying again, I hope all goes well for you. I'll be sending you all my positive thoughts. I think my favorite line from Firefly is, "I'm not so afraid of losing something that I'm not going to try to have it."
You are Ryan are going to be wonderful, strong parents, and Korbin will always be a very important part of your life.
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