Today was a blah day. Like someone sapped the life out of me and I just floated through. This is partly due to seeing post after post after post of delighted little kids seeing their Easter basket, full of awe and wonder. And I just start thinking about what we would have done if Korbin were here. Would he have a basket at only 6mo? Would Ry and I have tried to do baskets for each other?
I was also feeling lifeless from dreading seeing the neighbor's niece, who is happily 6mo pregnant by accident. She is a sweet girl, but I just feel so jealous. She's excited, and so happy. And I remember being there, and I so badly want to be there again. I want to feel that excitement and hope again.
Feeling jealousy still makes me feel bad, and it makes me wonder when I can maybe feel happy for others having children. It seems the only answer is when I have my own to take home and love and raise. And it sounds harsh, but really that's just how it is. I want to worry about feeding and changing and dressing and losing sleep and play dates and child care. We were ready for it last year, so really life is just on hold until we actually get that. And until then, I just keep floating through. Waiting to do all the motherly things my heart desires.
And in my heart, I got a lotta love to give.
No comments:
Post a Comment