Harder than I thought

Living through the supposed-to-be's and reliving what life was like a year ago is so much more difficult than I had expected. Facing it head on felt so right, and I thought I was strong enough to do it often. But as I go through my calendar from last year, I find myself unable to write about the memories as often as I had hoped. I cried over and over again last weekend, and was horribly cranky as I tried to control the tears while with others. I've hit a rough patch, and am sure it won't be getting any easier as we approach Korbin's birthday.
We're still celebrating it, of course. I'm not sure how, but we're inviting everyone who really matters to us now for something at our house. We'll figure it out. Hopefully it won't be weird.
I did start Korbin's scrapbook, and thankfully I was with my sister and her close friend because that too was much more difficult to start than I had expected. But my sister calmly asked me if I was doing okay, and I made myself just say it out loud. 'Not really, and the nice days are actually the hardest.' Last spring the weather wasn't great (which didn't matter because I was so happily pregnant) but then we lost Korbin and then we had a gorgeous summer. It brings me back to that empty sadness. And it's funny how something I was actually looking forward to, sunshine and the light at the end of the darkness, is the very thing that makes me feel so down right now. It's debilitating and crushing and I feel unable to even get off the couch.
And on top of that, the scrapbook is actually really overwhelming emotionally. All the pictures of me and my belly, so excited, and so unknowing. I want that happiness back so badly, but it's just gone. Starting it was good for me though, and again, who I was with allowed me to do it. They asked me about some of the pictures and let me talk, and Chelsea's friend even shared about how her family has dealt with losing her brother. This will sound odd, but I so needed that. Someone outside of support group who could talk about loss too. Very few people around me allow that (and that's a topic for another post...). So it's nice to spend time with those who do. Refreshing, really.
Sharing can be so healing to a broken heart.
I got a lotta love to give.