Not Dealing

I know I'm not posting as often as I had been before the whole numb business kicked in, and I'm wondering now if it's because I'm not dealing with things at the moment. I mean, after the rollercoaster ride of emotions that last weekend was, Nanny passed away at 8:08am Sunday morning suddenly and so quickly it just left us all in shock. When I found out she was being taken off life support, I broke a little bit. But since that moment I have not cried. I'm just numb. Still.
It's there, though. The sadness and grief in yet another loss in life. Waiting to be released. I'm just not ready to unlock that right now. Maybe that's not the healthiest approach. But the pain of grief is exhausting and depressing and just so draining. Being numb has actually been a welcome reprieve from the exhaustion and inability to get up and do anything productive. And I kind of want to keep that up for a bit longer. I'll have to deal eventually, I'm just not ready yet.
I wonder if it's easier to suppress because this loss is so different. I mean, Nanny even told the doctor she was ready to go. She said she lived a good 85 years. And I had my moment with her to say goodbye, even if it was internally. I kissed her on the head, hugged her once more. Held her arm.
Maybe I'm more at peace with this loss than I realize and that's why I think I'm not dealing? And yet there are still moments when I feel I'll break. Like when a friend called to express her condolences. I didn't answer the phone and let it go to voicemail. Listened to that, and then texted. The thought of actually talking about it out loud got me choked up a bit. I just don't want to cry right now. I haven't really cried in a while. At some point I'll need to release whatever flood of emotions is building, just not right now.
Not dealing doesn't mean I don't miss my Nanny, though. Just like it doesn't mean I don't miss Korbin any more. Or think of them any less. I've just locked away the grief for now so I can try and feel some peace and happiness for a bit.
Keyword: try.
Because I've got a lotta love to give.