Fading

Unfortunately, the numbness is fading away. The pain, anger, sorrow, and frustration all returning in waves. It may be partly because I'm PMSing, which is worse now from having been pregnant than it was before. It's funny, I remember asking my OB if the extra painful cramping and whatnot was from my c-section, needing to blame that awful surgery. Nope. It's because I was pregnant. Oh joy. Another painful reminder. And this one's monthly, woohoo!
And even though the emotions only just slowly rolled back in over the weekend, they peaked today. Work was stressful, and I have so much on my mind to take care of with the house and the dogs and volunteering and coffee dates remembering people's birthdays because I do love them and want them to know that I haven't forgotten them. I overload myself because being bored is just plain awful, the mind can do mean things when it has time to wander. I do deal better when stressed, but I also totally overdo it at times. So, I sweated it out for an hour at the gym after work. And as I took an extra hot shower afterward, I just started crying. It kind of came out of nowhere. But it came. It's been a while.
I think it's in part due to my grandma passing. My stepmom was having trouble picking a date for the service because, well, who wants to plan a funeral? I had told my youngest sister that even though it's hard to do, they need to do something, even if it's small. And I said this because I totally regret not saying I wanted a service for Korbin because I didn't want to think about or plan one. It's totally denial. No service means it didn't really happen, right? Anyway, my stepmom texted me today offering their church saying she'd already talked to their pastor about it and if it's too late as I feel it is. Turns out it's not, but I just don't know if I'm ready for that.
I so waver between feeling strong enough to face it head on and plan it, and not wanting anything because I am still somewhat in denial. I mean, being numb I didn't acknowledge that I had been pregnant. There were a couple fleeting moments of, oh ya, I was pregnant, oh my god I had a baby last year. But it didn't really go further than that, it was like being medicated after my surgery all over again, just minus the pills. It was odd, and it felt odd. Now, as the numbness fades away, I'm faced with reality again, and having to accept it which I still don't want to do even though I have to. It sucks, because I miss Korbin so much. It still sucks to see and hear about people with their babies. Happy, and even tired from lack of sleep. I still want that so badly. And not with just any baby, I want it with Korbin.
I got a lotta love to give.