Body Issues

Obviously having a kid changes your body. I remember making my workout strategy for after having Korbin, incorporating breast feeding for major calories burned each day and even dancing around the house with him to burn a few more. I had planned who would work out when, and guesstimated how long it would take me to get back to my pre-pregnancy body.
Well, that certainly happen how I had imagined it would. I mean, at first my body shrank back to normal so quickly it freaked me out. It messed with my fragile mind, making me wonder, was I really pregnant? Did I actually make it to 24 weeks? To six whole months of being pregnant? Being told I looked skinny when I went back to work only made me cry. Now, I know I wasn't huge at 24wks5days, but looking back at pictures, I definitely was showing and obviously pregnant. My body probably shrank back to 'normal' so rapidly from lack of eating. I just couldn't eat. I was too depressed, too heart sick. And even nauseous from trying to wrap my brain around what has become my new reality. My perfect plan shattered in an instant. No dancing. No breast feeding. No work out plan as all I could do was walk and even that was painful for a long while. And the worst part, no baby to make it all worth it in the end.
Pretty shitty if you ask me.
But still now, my hips are wider, my boobs shrank and sag, and I have a spare tire that, before getting fit before I was pregnant I would joke was my 'food baby' because I could pass it off as appearing six months pregnant. It's like my body just wants to be pregnant and is messing with me too.
Part of me wants to be trim and fit again. It's healthy, and it felt great to be so strong and not worry about jiggling everywhere. But then this other part of me is kind of like, 'hey, I look like I could be pregnant...' and the reminiscing and wishing starts.
And then I dream about being pregnant, and then I just wake up sad. Twisted. Seriously twisted.
We do want to have more kids. So even though that's not happening right away, is it worth it to lose the weight again just to put it all back on again? Fluctuating like that can wreak havoc on the body too. Is there any reason to really try to slim down again right now?
It's crazy how something so seemingly harmless can play such mind games with me. I guess I am a bit fragile still. But I'm also told that being healthy and trim and fit again will only help future pregnancies. I want to say I know that for sure, but I was super fit and trim with Korbin, lifting weights and walking a lot. I was at a health level where even doctors didn't see a need for any extra monitoring. (I'm not blaming them at all. My health and fitness combined with Korbin's really didnt' warrant any extra monitoring as nothing was alarming about my pregnancy. It was perfect.) It just sucks that even though I did take such good care of myself, took my vitamins, stayed away from wine and sushi and even plastic. I still lost Korbin.
Maybe that's why I eat without worry still. Drink too much on occasion. Have my multiple treats throughout the day. And don't force a workout as often as I could. It just doesn't really seem to matter yet. It didn't change anything before, what difference would it make now?
And I'm not paranoid about my body like I used to be. I'm not exactly ready to put on a string bikini and strut my stuff, but my belly bulge doesn't freak me out or make me shy like it used to. I have my mom body now, spare tire and wide hips and saggy boobs and c-section scars and all. And so what if maybe I am a bit proud of it too. I'm certainly not ashamed to say I had a kid.
I got a lotta love to give.